Friday, April 4, 2008

Things that are phallic that should not be

Hallo. I am Joe. Here are some things that are phallic that should not be.

How's this for overcompensating? Here we have pictured a video card for use in your personal computers, the better with which to play your computer games and make them look all nice and pretty and smooth. For the uninitiated, putting one of these things in your PC is like upgrading your car with a new 50,000 cylinder engine with mega million blowjillion horsepower. If anything qualifies as an e-penis, this motherfucker is it -- especially since it has the audacity to cap off its overlong shaft with a signature bulge. Thanks a lot, ATi. (This image comes courtesy of online computer shopping site NewEgg, whose ovarian name is only oh-so appropriate for the subject matter.)

This is butternut squash. Hold your childish laughter just for a second, Terrence. I'll get to the name in a second. But, FIRST OF ALL, WHAT MAN WANTS TO EAT A VEGETABLE THAT (a) LOOKS LIKE HIS WEAPON and (2) HAS TO BE CROSS-SECTIONED IN SUCH A MANNER?

Are you fukn' kidding me?

It's even got balls, and in the balls are its reproductive entities (the seeds). How much more symbolic can you get than that? Come the hell on, ladies. (I'm looking squarely at my sister, who has one sitting in her dining area ON DISPLAY.) That's just not fair. Just because we eat beef, and a bull's head looks like -- well, you know -- doesn't mean... oh forget it. Just laugh at the fact that you can say "butter nut" or "butt, her nut" or something asinine like that. Fucking barbarians. Chopping open a phallus like that... no regard for human decency or anything where's my beer... /mutter

Intermission time.

BAM! Here are some balls, just for you. (I was image-searching a bulls head and the Wall Street bull popped up. Well no, not like that -- quite obviously it's flaccid right now. Thanks to... um... for the picture.)

Ok, here's a gem. Also, think about the fact that you drink from it, and from which end you drink its electrolyte-fueled Jesus juice.



No more phallus. This is making me quiver in fear.

UPDATE: Hey guess what I told my friend who likes balls (don't worry; it's a female) about this post and she dropped this gem on me!

me: refresh blog
it has balls just for you
Sent at 12:58 PM on Friday
M----a: oh..
me: Yay.
M----a: let me clarify something
i like talking about balls.
i do not necessarily like balls.
they're weird and squishy
me: <_<

1 comment:

artemis said...

Just so you know, the squashed buttered nut is no longer on display, because i CHOPPED IT UP for a family dinner once and YOU ATE SOME. I think you described it as "Quite tastey with a side of delicioso."