Blogging without editorial checks and balances has resulted in the internet's perpetual butchering of the English language. Sometimes, that heinous shit creeps into non-blog articles as well. It. Pisses. Me. Off. (Never mind instant messages and chats for a second, because I don't consider those as any manner of "published works" the same way I do high-profile blog entries.)
First of all, "You and I" is not always the correct way to phrase that concept. So your second grade teacher taught you that it was wrong to say, "Me and Jack went to sniff paint." Big friggin' whoop. How on Earth does that make, "Here's what happens when you interview Bob and I" a correct sentence? Blargh! Reading something like that from a high-profile blogger who HAPPENS to write for a newspaper -- someone who even happens to be someone I respect -- is even worse.
What's the strategy Ms. Smith taught you in second grade? Take away the other person and say the sentence as if you were the only subject. "Me went to sniff paint" sounds dickish, right? Right. So what about, "Here's what happens when you interview I"? Yeah. Run that through that brain of yours.
While I'm at it, "on accident" is shit. If you happen to be one of those people who are 100 times smarter than me (I think that's about 98.237% of Earth's population), but still say "on accident," well, I don't care how much smarter than me you are because at the very least you *sound* stupider than I do when you say it. I don't care that your editor let the error pass through the QA process. I don't care what Grammar Girl's "studies" show -- she's just humoring you. It's "by accident" and you're wrong. Deal.
I'm only freaking out because this is really easy shit. It's not like you need Diana Hacker's Pocket Style Manual (go buy it, writers) to know this.
Yeah. Word to yo mama. And stuff.
*turns down the snob dial before getting hit by a food coma*
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
You and I
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
"Judgement" is now a word in the dictionary.
Apparently, Merriam-Webster updated its dictionary to include "judgement" as an appropriate spelling of the word "judgment".
Fuck. My post is destroyed.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
The Presidential Debate, In Reductive Fashion
McCain: "Yakity yak. We're Americans, and that's why we can get it done. It's also how we can get it done."
Obama: "Blibbidy blah. We need to do something. And that something is whatever it is we need to do."
Tom: "Dudes, please stop ignoring the minute-long time limit imposed at your behest."
Sunday, September 21, 2008
I hope it was echo.
While I was packing / doing my rudimentary workout of curls, sit-ups and being in pain, my dad had the television set to the YES network where they were showing the ceremony for The Last Game At Yankee Stadium. After they trotted out all the big name historical Yankees, it was time for the game's starting lineup and the National Anthem.
Here's a tip: If you're in a band and you're playing the National Anthem on television for thousands of cheering fans at the last game in an historic stadium that housed perhaps the greatest team in baseball history (I'm not a fan of baseball, so I don't care for nor want to hear your arguments about them sucking; if they're not the greatest, fine by me, I don't care, now shut up), I cannot stress the following enough.
PLAY THE FUCK ON BEAT.
By the end of the song, you know, at, "The Land of the FreeEeEEEeeeEEEe" part, the half the horns were on "The Land" and the other half were already onto "the FreEee-". You know who that guy is in the front? The guy with the hat and the little skinny needle looking thing that he's waving around in the air to some obscure rhythm that you probably have no idea about? HE'S THE CONDUCTOR. HE CONDUCTS THE SONG. THUSFORTH, HE KEEPS THE BEAT. YOU *FOLLOW* HIM.
Tone deaf pricks.*
In sum, that was one of the WORST "normal" renditions of the National Anthem I've heard (not counting the crazy stunts and gimmicks that people have pulled off in the past; Roseanne Barr Pentland Barr Arnold Barr Thomas Barr, I'm pointing a finger in your direction since it hurts to look at you). I really, really just hope it was the echo in the stadium.
*I'm fully aware that pitch has nothing to do with the ability to count and follow a conductor. Bite my ass.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The Art of Urinal Usage
Dear members of the male gender, my fellow cohorts in life's pursuit to sit on the couch, get fat and watch football (well, this IS the United States):
I have a few requests. Now, don't be scared. They're nothing Earth-shattering. These should be easy for you to follow. Furthermore, they all involve that thing you base your life principles on -- you know, your dangle. Third leg. One-eyed snake. Whatever.
Today's topic? URINAL USAGE!
- When using the urinal, please ensure that Dangle's eye is looking straight into the center of the porcelain bowl.
- When using the urinal, please ensure that you're not standing more than four feet away from it.
- When using the urinal, please make sure to FACE the urinal.
This is all common sense, right? Right.
THEN WHY THE FUXORS DO I WALK INTO ANY GIVEN MEN'S RESTROOM ONLY TO SEE A FRIENDLY PATCH OF MOISTURE UNDERNEATH THE URINAL? Here's a tip: Bathroom tiles are not alive. They are inanimate, soulless, non-biological objects. That means they don't need watering. Stop spraying your lemonade all over the goddamn floor. They make lower urinals specifically for douchebags like you who can't aim. If you are not blind, handicapped, a small person, a four-year-old or a female, you have absolutely NO excuse whatsoever to not know how to keep your spray in the tray.
Oh, and if you want to feel worse about yourself, watch Step Brothers and fast forward to the scene where a girl uses the urinal. She does it better than you do. Asshole.
And may I close with a Haiku:
Went to the toilet.
Looks like you left gifts for me!
Flush next time, jerk-off.
Thank you very much for your time. Go run into a wall or something.
Signed,
Civilization
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Zune's Virtual Trackball
I've had my 80GB Zune for just over a week now, and so far I'm pleased with my purchase. Not all is perfect, of course, but it's filling its role as a worthy successor to Gigabutt. One thing I like about it is what I personally call the "virtual trackball" that's used for navigation. The Zune uses a four-way directional click-pad that looks like a square with very, very rounded corners, almost to the point of it being a circle. To select a choice, you click down on the center of the pad. You can scroll through lists of songs by holding up or down on the pad, with the scroll-speed accelerating the longer you hold it down. Initially, there's nothing really extraordinary about this; it's the same mechanic used by many devices, including the Creative Zen and my old Gigabutt.
The fun comes in when you actually discover its touch-pad nature. The pad responds to the motion of your finger in the four cardinal directions. So, if you're navigating a list of songs and you slide your thumb down slightly, you'll scroll down a few songs. If you start your thumb at the top of the pad and briskly swipe it downwards, the list starts scrolling at a high velocity before grinding to a slow halt after a second or two. This feels remarkably like a trackball, so if you then start thinking about the pad as if it were a trackball (limited to four directions, of course), you'll begin to understand intuitively how to scroll through your lists.
For instance, if you roll a trackball downwards multiple times in succession, the ball will end up rolling for a good while without your assistance as a result of the momentum. These "physics" are applied to the touch-scrolling too: Swipe your thumb from top to bottom multiple times, and your song list will start scrolling incredibly fast -- with quick, subsequent swipes adding momentum -- before slowly stopping. So how do you keep yourself from overshooting where you want to be? Well, how would you stop a trackball? That's right -- put your hand on it. Likewise, as your songs are scrolling happily on their own, you can stop the scrolling just by laying your thumb on the pad. This is great, mostly "thumbs-off" approach for people scrolling through a small chunk who don't want to hold their thumb down or keep twirling it in a circle (a la the iPod's clickwheel) the entire time.
The flipside to this is that once in awhile, when you mean to click down on the center of the pad, your thumb ever-so-slightly moves in a direction. The pad could pick this up and inadvertently scroll to and select the item above or below the one you actually meant to click. It takes a little getting used to in order to over come this little snare.
It also would have been nice if the touch-pad registered diagonal directions for browsing photographs. When browsing by folder, the Zune spits out thumbnails of every picture in the folder in a grid format where you're free to navigate and choose. If you swipe in a diagonal direction, though, the cursor does this clumsy two-step -- "down, then right" -- instead of skipping diagonally to the picture. While this is functionally the same thing, it doesn't even always do that; it'll soemtimes stop after the first vertical or horizontal direction. Not a big deal by any means at all -- just a minor quibble, given how cool the "trackball" feel of the pad is.
Finally, I know some people like scrolling with the iPod's wheel. For those who don't mind keeping their thumb in constant motion, it offers the best control over your scroll speed. You can scroll precisely as fast as you want, and stop exactly when you want to. Seeing as the touch-pad on the Zune is so rounded, wouldn't it be cool if it emulated the scroll wheel -- for those who wanted such an option -- by responding accordingly to thumb movement around the perimeter (or circumference, if you please) of the pad? That might make it the most versatile input device for an MP3 player yet. As it is, however, it's still a lot of fun to use.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Dark Knight belongs to Aaron Eckhart [SPOILER-FILLED discussion]
READER BEWARE: THIS DARK KNIGHT DISCUSSION (NOT A REVIEW!!!) IS FILLED WITH SPOILERS.
The Dark Knight is Harvey Dent's movie.
We can ballyhoo about the magnificence of the late Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker. We can continue to heap praises on Christian Bale being the best Batman-slash-Bruce Wayne since Michael Keaton. Neither of these actions would be inappropriate. But in watching The Dark Knight to its conclusion, eyes glued to action, ass on edge of seat, mouth slightly agape, it became startlingly clear that Aaron Eckhart's Harvey Dent -- briefly known as Two Face -- was the the big message, the key idea, behind this film.
It all starts with what is actually the bottom of Gotham City's food chain. Joe Chill was part of the lowest of the low, a mere mugger partially created by Gotham's depression. In murdering Bruce Wayne's parents, he was partially responsible for the savage vigilante -- Batman -- that the young heir would soon become. In Batman's crusade to stamp out crime, however, he unwittingly unleashes the fury of the psychotic -- no -- bat-shit insane Joker who sneers, "[Gotham] deserves a better class of criminal." Alfred makes this clear as Wayne contends that the mob -- in enlisting The Joker's help -- crossed the line: "You crossed the line first, sir. You hammered them. And in their desperation they turned to a man they didn't fully understand." This is no less than the escalation -- the arms race -- that Jim Gordon spoke of at the conclusion of Batman Begins. "We start carrying semiautomatics, they buy automatics. We start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor-piercing rounds." And so it follows: Batman assails crime with destructive resolve, and crime turns to The Joker.
Enter the hero -- the "White Knight" -- whom Wayne, whom Batman, contends is the key to Gotham's ascension from its criminal rubble. Harvey Dent, District Attorney, is a bold figure who can put guilty men behind bars without breaking laws and disrupting order. He doesn't fear an assassin's bullet, and he's determined to bring the dawn -- "It's always darkest before the dawn" he implores his desperate, angry citizens to realize -- to a city that's been mired in darkness.
It's Dent, not the imposter Batmen who put on hockey pads and try to play vigilante along with their inspiration, who represents Bruce Wayne's original goal when he donned the mask. Wayne's father, Thomas Wayne, "believed his example could inspire the wealthy of Gotham to save their city." And yes, Wayne believes that as a man he can't do the same as his father did, hence his need for the Batman persona -- but in Dent, perhaps he has actually found the man to do this. We even see him contemplating the retirement of the bat suit. Such is his confidence in the D.A.
Dent foreshadows his own demise, however, when he claims that, "You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." And in his own demise, we see how very little hope Gotham City has, and -- reminiscent of Jack Bauer's (of TV's 24) tragic existence -- how wretched Batman's life must continue to be in order for there to be some modicum of decency and order. Harvey Dent, after all, is only a man. He's not a symbol, and as such he is not, as Wayne put it in Batman Begins, "incorruptible."
The vile waste that is The Joker succeeds in corrupting Dent, taking away the love of his life (and coincidentally of Batman's life), indirectly burning the left half of his face (is it coincidence that the burnt flesh leans Lucifer's way?) and sending the once pure man, Gotham's only law-abiding hope, into a vengeful fit of rage. In becoming Two Face, in seeing his soul corrupted and destroyed, Harvey Dent represents the singular driving idea behind Gotham City and The Dark Knight (both the film and the character): the depressing thought that in light of the progress and the good that is being done, everything is destined to be hopelessly torn to absolute shit. (See what I mean by Jack Bauer?) From Chill to Batman to The Joker, the lowest of the low in Gotham City ultimately creates and destroys the monster that is Two Face -- in effect, Gotham City has just swallowed its own hope for a brighter future.
The only White Knight Gotham had left was snuffed out without mercy, and Dent's apparent death came too late for him to avoid becoming the villain he foreshadowed. It's this rise and fall of a true hero -- this descent into madness -- that most powerfully symbolizes Gotham City's everlasting struggle, and it's his tragedy that simultaneously emphasizes Batman's own personal tragedy to us. Wayne's desire to hang up the mask was fueled by the possibility that Dent could lead the crusade, and subsequently the hope that Rachel Dawes would return to his loving arms. In one fell swoop, these two flickering lights are both eradicated, and Batman's only hope for a normal life is just... plain... gone. Worse, Batman must take the fall for Dent's crimes in order to keep any glimmer of hope alive; what would Gotham think if it found that its White Knight bowed to The Joker's level? From nadir to apogee and back to nadir: The stories of Dent, Wayne and Gotham City are perfect mirror images of each other, with Dent's metamorphosis into Two Face -- so poignant, so condensed -- the most tangible and evident tragedies of them all.
If you want to understand the misery and despair of the film The Dark Knight, all you need do is follow Harvey Dent. After all, it's his movie.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Broken Tech Sucks
So, almost exactly a week ago, my 60GB Toshiba MP3 player -- a Toshiba Gigabeat S60, to be exact, a great device with a great interface and nearly-effortless Windows Media Player compatibility -- died on me.
Last Friday, the day after I landed back in New York City from my weekly Pittsburgh commute, I went looking for my digital camera only to find out that I couldn't find it. I likely left it at my friend Scott's house the week before, where I had gone to enjoy burgers on the Fourth of July, but I couldn't be sure. Text-message inquiries resulted in no responses.
Well, on the same Friday, I went to Circuit City. The night before, I won the Guitar Hero tournament that my friends and I participate in weekly and Triggy (the grand puba of the McAleer's Pub GH Tournament and all-around awesome hostess) was giving away a $50 gift certificate. I put this $50 to a new 80GB Zune. Problem 1 solved.
On Sunday, I was cleaning up my room -- which was long overdue for a good "put your crap away" session. Among the rubble I found my digital camera, safe and intact. Scott then called me literally minutes after to apologize for not getting back to me sooner -- he had been stricken with a nasty case of the E. Coli that was spreading around, and he had trewn upz on the subway. But he was better now, and even though I had already found my camera I thanked him for getting back to me. Problem 2 solved.
There exists, sadly, a problem 3: The laptop I was given by the company I work for is now brain-dead. The issue began Thursday, when I was waiting for my flight back to New York City in the Pittsburgh airport. Somehow, I got a BAD_POOL_HEADER blue screen of death. A reboot solved it, but then it happened again. Putting the laptop on the floor -- instead of my lap, where it wasn't completely lying flat -- seemed to do the trick for a moment, and I had noticed that whenever the laptop tilted more than slightly due to my very fast and very harsh typing, it would blip. The tilt was in the direction of where the hard drive sits in the laptop, and BAD_POOL_HEADER is -- I think -- a symptom of a few hard-drive or otherwise memory-related issues.
Getting home, the thing seemed to run fine and on Saturday, it withstood over 90 minutes of podcast recording.
Problem was, the podcast was longer than 90 minutes. That's right -- our backup 100th Episode recording was cut due to a Blue Screen of Death. That damned BAD_POOL_HEADER issue again.
Thankfully, as I hinted above, the laptop is ONLY used as backup: All participants record their own voice files on their own computer. In the event that one or more of our voice files gets corrupted somehow, the laptop is there recording a stream of every participant coming in through Skype. It's not as flexible, of course -- I don't get to tweak out someone farting or coughing or saying something to their pets -- but it's a sufficient backup, and this weekend, the backup is all that was lost. IF everyone's voice file is stable, which it usually is, then I should be fine to edit.
Except I can't edit it. That laptop that's used to record our backup recording; that laptop that I use courtesy of my firm; that laptop that blue-screened constantly -- is the laptop I also used to edit our podcasts when I was on the road at work. So why don't I just edit a little, save, edit a little, save, edit a little, save?
BECAUSE THE BLASTED THING WON'T EVEN BOOT INTO WINDOWS ANYMORE. Right after I enter my password and it starts loading up stuff, and yes I've tried it in Safe Mode both with and without Networking, it BSOD's -- only this time only with a STOP error code and no descriptive (but still ultimately useless) words like BAD_POOL_HEADER. Just STOP ERROR X0000B3 (9823498234 2398423984792834789 239842973569729625). Those numbers were made up, of course, but it might as well have been those.
But wait -- that's not the final state it's in. After multiple tries of rebooting, and getting kicked out again, and then trying to run the Hard Disk Drive test from the BIOS (it passed the first "quick test"), it froze. Now, when I press the power button, the fan turns on. But the hard drive activity light stays dormant, and the screen stays pitch black. It's done this 10 times in a row now, and I've given up. It's dead. I have to go into the office on Friday and turn it in for repairs. Along with it MIGHT disappear ALL of my files -- work-related files.
Not only that, but it was my window to the outside world. The client site I work at does not allow access to personal webmail and blocks 90% of the sites I visit on a daily basis (thank god ESPN and Ars Technica are still allowed). So that laptop was my only recourse. You know where I'm friggin' typing this post from? The PC that sits at the bell stand in the hotel I'm staying at. Soon some rotten little kids will want to come by -- and yes I know it's 11:15PM, but it's summer vacation for them -- and look up Sponge Bob or the latest Digimon or maybe even some terrible pornography that no kid their age should be looking at.
So I just left this rant to you, gentle readers and those who don't give a ratt's butt about me but find my ranting halfway-semi-quasi-entertaining, so that you know how annoying dead laptops are. For those who listen to the podcast, well, it'll probably be coming sometime next week or this weekend. For those who don't, well, if I don't answer your emails until I'm just about due for sleep (like right now), this is why. Because I have to play bellhop in order to communicate with the outside world.
Oh yeah -- and Wii MotionPlus: w00t ... that is, of course, until it's revealed that they'll sell it to us for $34.99 apiece and don't standardize it into the Wii's technology as they did the Dual Shock and Dual Shock 3, leaving developers to wonder whether or not it'll be worth their time to actually put the effort into it if no one's going to use it because it's not standardized. (Oh hey Xbox 360 hard drive! Do you think people are learning yet about how not standardizing things can bite you in the left buttock? No? Me neither.) /cynical (I actually love the idea, but I'll be pissed if they -- as I facetiously suggested -- don't standardize it. They HAVE to... even though you know Nintendo will make buttloads of $ even if they don't. Ok, they HAVE to for MY sake. :P)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Eulogy for Gigabutt
It was around 7PM on Tuesday, July 8th, when I was walking back from work in Pittsburgh across the Roberto Clemente Bridge to my hotel. Scattered Pirates fans walked along with me, trudging towards PNC Park to make it in time for the upcoming baseball game. I was listening to the July 4th edition of the 1up Yours podcast at the time.
When I was about 30 feet from the other end of the bridge, the podcast just stopped completely. Thinking I had pressed a button, I took out my MP3 player -- a Toshiba Gigabeat S60, with 60GB of hard drive space for music and video, using the ultra slick Windows Mobile platform for its interface -- and pressed the ON button. No dice. Maybe it was time for a hard reboot. So, I took out a pen from my bag and flicked the tiny little "battery" switch on the bottom to turn the battery completely off, then on again. Usually this did the trick when the MP3 player froze.
When Gigabutt* (that's its name) came back to life, I was greeted with a nasty message scolding me to update the firmware. Well, I didn't have any firmware on me. I was walking across a fucking bridge. Nor did I have a USB cable with which to connect Gigabutt to a PC when I finally reached my hotel. So, I shut the battery off and resolved to turn it back on in the hotel room to see if a second reboot did the trick.
Enter me, into el hotel room-o. On goes the battery. Instead of getting a firmware request, though, I get a, "Please send back to manufacturer."
Shit.
The next day, I ask my team lead if she has a mini-USB cable I can use. She does, and that night I plug Gigabutt in, search the web for some tips and tricks on how to handle this garbage, find out that Toshiba really doesn't have any support options for the Gigabeat S line anymore, and almost cry. But hark -- Googling leads me to a site where people have found hacked firmware for another Gigabeat model, modified to work seamlessly with the S series. I download it, follow the instructions, say a little nerd prayer (sounds something like "100111001, omfg... pls help kthxbye"), and wait for the device to spring back to live.
Ultimate victory, Chamillionaire style. Now, all my music is gone at this point -- but that's ok; I have a USB cable, and I can transfer a podcast or two into the thing that'll tide me over until I make it home to my full library of music. So the next day I walk to work, listening to Gigabutt as usual, enjoying the fruits of some hacker's labor and thanking the digital gods that my MP3 player is not dead after all.
Oh too soon do we speak. I put the unit down on my desk and charged it up when I got to work, and just left it to be. I gave the USB cable back to my supervisor and went about work. I looked at Gigabutt again a few hours later and decided to set my device settings (screen brightness, etc.) again, since the firmware re-install undoubtedly changed it. One click of d-pad sent the "loading..." animation to the screen. So I waited.
It never went away. For minutes. I let it sit, thinking that this was probably it but who knows maybe just MAYBE it would come back to life but no. Minutes became an hour.
I did the battery reboot again, and it threw the firmware warning at me. Another one threw a "connect to PC" request. The last one threw the "Contact Manufacturer" nastygram. It was throwing different errors at me and I figured that this really was the end, given how inconsistently it was behaving. I tried one last time... and the OS came up! Yippee, I guess? Well, not really. I tried to see if I could set the FM radio to a local Pittsburgh hip hop station. I hit RADIO, clicked OK, and... nothing happened. It didn't crash, but nothing happened. So basically the radio functionality was DESTROYED.
It was over. It IS over. I have to bury Gigabutt. I went out during lunch today and dropped a $50 gift certificate on an 80GB Zune to replace Gigabutt, and I might as well just give it a proper goodbye.
Let me take a few moments to speak about what Gigabutt was able to do in life that Zune-butt, despite its current-day glory, cannot do. Nor can an iPod.
Gigabutt, you played oh so nicely with Windows Media Player without batting an eye. Anything I wanted to sync, I just needed to drag and drop it into a window. No need to add to its library, no need for other proprietary software like the Zune software or iTunes.
Gigabutt, I could change the volume on a particularly loud song or reverse/fast-forward/skip tracks, without ever having to remove you from my pocket holster, thanks to your dedicated volume, play/pause and track buttons on the side of your body.
Gigabutt, if ever I forgot your USB cable, chances are that someone else would have one because it takes the same USB cable that many Canon cameras take, the same USB cable that Sony's PSP and SIXAXIS and Dual Shock 3 controllers take -- not a proprietary shitty iPod or Zune or Creative connector.
Gigabutt, that AC adapter that CAME WITH YOUR PACKAGING was a godsend. Because, hey, having to shell out $35 for an external adapter -- you listening Microsoft and Apple? -- is just plain shitty, right?
Gigabutt, even when I had to send you back to Toshiba after the first 11 months I owned you, even after the techs RIPPED you open to fix you and didn't bother to do a good job sewing you up, you held up for another 10 months like a champ. Your battery life stumbled a bit, perhaps due to the surgery, but you were always there for me. As I tried to finagle some MP3 goodness out of my cell phone on the plane ride home yesterday, I knew that it would never hold a candle to your greatness. As I stare at this admittedly pretty Zune, knowing that any time I have to do ANYTHING -- even as simple as skipping a track -- I'll have to take it out, I'll remember how you comforted me with words like, "". Well, of course there were no words because you couldn't speak. BUT, if you COULD speak, you would have said, "No, don't worry about taking me out and possibly dropping me -- I have handy-dandy accessible buttons on my right side."
Gigabutt, you were truly a friend. Not like those assholes who expect you to actually converse with them or do stuff with them. You will be sorely missed.
...now let's open you up and have a look at your insides!
... ... ... what? Why are you staring at me? Oh come on. Any self-respecting tech-nerd has to do an electronics dissection when given the chance.
*To be honest, Gigabutt was given its name 17 minutes before the writing of this piece...
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Wanted - Check Your Brain at the Door
Well, well. Summer begins, and it looks like James McAvoy wants to get away from the heavy-handedness that was "The Last King of Scotland" and "Atonement". Just watch first ten minutes of "Wanted" -- and then the remaining 102 of them -- and it becomes obvious.
"Wanted", from director Timur Bekmambetov, starts off by introducing you to Wesley Gibson, an "account manager" and the most vaginal of pussies getting walked on like a treadmill by everyone around him -- including his girlfriend. Here we see him desperately try to tolerate the birthday celebration of his whale-sized supervisor, listening to his internal monologue telling us about this monstrous event for this monstrous woman (which includes such descriptive gems as "anorexic"). Not much later thereafter, we're transported to a seemingly entirely different world where people can fly (well, not really, but close enough), gunmen can curveball bullets, and "The Matrix's" slow-mo is all the rage again. Oh yeah: It's also brain-burstingly bloody.
Back and forth "Wanted" goes, between cynical "I hate my life" comedy and over-the-top, stylistic gunplay as dear old Wesley is recruited into "The Fraternity" (of assassins) and eventually stops hating his life. Finding out "who he is," so to speak, Gibson now feels he has some sort of purpose in his life -- though of course, he has to come to grips with his new "occupation" as an assassin... you know, killing people and mean shit like that.
I'm going to skip over the "acting" in this movie, as it's entirely moot. The real stars of the show here, ignoring the randomly inserted sarcastic comedy for a minute, are the rampant, overdone but still enjoyable stunts and gimmicks. Watching Gibson fend off an oncoming bullet with one of his own never gets old, and Fox (played by a suddenly-super-skinny Angelina Jolie -- I mean Christ, I'm surprised her lips don't make her top-heavy) atop a speeding train car under doing a limboto fit under a low-hanging tunnel ceiling is pretty hot.
When I say overdone, though, I really mean it. You've absolutely got to make sure to check your brain at the entrance, grabbing that claim ticket before proceeding to drool into a cup. Watching an assassin shoot bullets around corners, or hang out of a speeding car where the front windshield used to be while firing behind the car at an assailant, is one thing. Seeing assassins complete a hundred-foot long jump out of a high-rise office into another building or sniping a target's forehead from miles away, in between moving train cars and through a fucking doughnut hole, is quite another.
The story does throw a common though still slightly surprising twist our way, and the mystique of this assassin's guild (as it were) along with its lore are pretty fun to sit through, but since we just have to get back to the crazy bullet-time action, the little things are fleshed-out only just enough for us to have the necessary "facts" for the plot. Those of you who might have wanted ten extra minutes to explore how "the loom of fate" works (yeah, brain at the door) or more about the The Fraternity's past, or just any lore or mythos you might want, will be out of luck. In terms of lots of backstory, the movie version of Assassin's Creed this is not. It certainly doesn't get any brownie points for throwing in a very brief discussion -- if you can even call it that -- on fate and destiny, on a totally superficial level without any meaningful expansion or impact. Though perhaps it's for the best -- no one wants to sit through another pace-destroying treatise on causality; one Merovingian was enough.
So yeah, "Wanted" gets hokey and stupid. However, it also packs every minute with either comedy, style, or intensity, and even all of the above. The performances are fine and never detract from the dumb fun, and rarely do any lines ever feel forced or contrived -- two things I can't say about horseshit like "The Fast And The Furious". If films like "300" make you giddy (though I should say that "300" is much, much better), you'll very likely have a good time with "Wanted". I certainly did.
(Bonus points for you if you enjoyed Bekmambetov's "Nightwatch"; you'll definitely see some stylistic similarities here. And if you end up enjoying "Wanted" but didn't see "Nightwatch" then mosey on down to your video store or web browser and queue up a copy of the latter.)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
2008 NBA Playoff Monster Thread: The Opening Salvo
From: Shau, Austin
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 11:49 AM
To: Bunch of People
Subject: Semifinals!
Who's advancing out west, and does Cleveland have ANY hope?
-a
p.s. - This be my work email... watch the cussin' and fussin'
---------------
From: Cris Eastmond
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 12:06 PM
To: The Same Bunch
Subject: Re: Semifinals!
i see new orleans riding home court to a series win, as long as dave west's back isn't more threatening than it was last nite. i see the jazz winning tonite then winning at home ending this annoying kobe lovefest. cleveland has plenty of hope! lebron was one legal four-step layup away from winning in the td bankworth, and boston is d-league at best on the road (an indictment of all of the 3party by the way, one that the media is keeping quiet so far) with chauncey well rested and the game plan laid out after two straight seasons of facing them and knowing that stopping boobie [Gibson] is the key, detroit will win in 7. deron williams win the first of many western pg wars against his draft mate in 6. in revenge to the league and its sheep for years of kings, mavs, and suns ball, we get a 7 game series from two of the best old skool teams duking it out for 7 with the pistons experience giving it the crown.
-Cris
-----------------------
From: Shau, Austin
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 12:51 PM
To: Cris Eastmond
Cc: The Same Bunch
Subject: RE: Semifinals!
Ah, the "sheep" comment. Sorry, but I don't blame people for wanting to be entertained. I pose another question in addendum to the first: which coach is botching up the most? (By way of Atlanta, peering subtly in Doc Rivers' direction)
-----------------------
From: Gideon Bryant
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 3:02 PM
To: Shau, Austin
Cc: The Same Bunch
Subject: Re: Semifinals!
i've gotta disagree with cris. i'm sure part of it is attributable to fandom considering i've actually sat down and watched maybe 1 game this entire postseason, but i'm an exhaustive box score examiner.
lakers are taking it. the only time the jazz win is when they shoot over 50% as a team. no way they can do that 2 of the next 3 games. especially with my namesake [Kobe BRYANT] in mvp mode. one more loss will put him at critical health, which would mean a limit break is right around the corner (omnislashing his way to 50 point performances).
boston is taking it as well. even taking into account their road troubles and lebron's tenacity, i can't see them losing a home game with their backs against the wall. detroit worries me because they bore me to tears yet continue to win. i'll just continue to ignore them like i have thus far and hope they go away.
i don't even think new orleans will need 7 games. they'll ride the wave of their latest win all the way to the conference finals, where they will lose to the lakers. i wish i could provide some rhetoric beyond "because i said so", but i think that should suffice for now.
finals will be the stern approved celtics-lakers. boston's road deficiencies will finally do them in here.
and doc is the run-away winner of the botching award. boston is continuously losing to clearly inferior teams. plain and simple. the coach has got to take the downfall on that one.
------------------------------
Domingo's reply (time and date unknown):
1- As a proud subscriber of nba league pass via channelsurfing.net (read free...sidenote: also has PPV and HBO events) I've seen enough d-west to know he's derrick coleman. Why I don't like him? It's easy to be bold when you're an up and comer coattail rider..I'll respect him if he steps to Rasheed or somethin'...at this point I could step to Dirk
2-LeBron is a phenomenal player and on the court he makes great decisions, but as a vocal leader dude has the motivational skills of a paper plate. His sheer greatness elevates his team, but his leadership skills are on par with Paul Pierce. Best leaders out there right now are KB8, CP3 and Duncan. It might be a style preference on my part.
Random: Did you really think Peja could keep this up a whole playoff season?
Random 2: Did you see Manny catch the fly, high five the fan, and double the guy on first? Greatness
----------------------------
Matt's reply (time and date unknown):
This is Fun! Austin great idea by the way. We should start a radio show.
I like all of Domingo's 2 cents except for the D-west & lebron comments.
Don't get it twisted. We would never hear about David West in this part of his career unless CP3 is his teammate -- true. However, D-west is not a fluke by any stretch. He is a product of a great offense. With another decent guard he would be doing the same thing but have a lower FG%.
Lebron is probably the best leader in the league with his makeshift team of "who are these guys" Kobe has way more help and it is way easier to lead lamar and Pau than Ben and Delonte.
I will ride with Boston this year. The west is anybody's game(s) to win. Detroit may need to figure out conference banners don't mean shit, and yes, they will be split up after they lose again in the
conference finals. Sorry Joe D. Time for new blood for tayshaun and Chauncey to work with. Keep maxiell and Stuckey. The rest can go elsewhere.
Keep the party going.
--------------------
From: Cris Eastmond
Sent: Thu 5/15/2008 9:13 PM
To: Domingo Ramos
Cc: Mad People
Subject: Re: Semifinals!
best part of the manny play was the jordan pose he struck to do the high five.
domingo: any words on orlando's demise?
leader: kobe > lebron.
so domingo, if you checked into the eastern conference finals last year, does that mean i can check into a mavs practice and put my finger in dirk's face!!??! awesome!
lastly, any comment on the fact that the pistons have been coaching themselves all playoffs long, and that flip barely gets paid attention to in huddles at this point??
-Cris
---------------------
From: Shau, Austin
Sent: Fri 5/16/2008 8:48 AM
To: Cris Eastmond; Domingo Ramos
Cc: Lots of ppl.
Subject: RE: Semifinals!
David West's pick-and-pop jumper, complete with 17-foot shooting range, basic but effective post play including turnaround jumpers and drop-step jump hooks (note: isolated post-up play DOESN'T necessarily rely on any guard running an offense except for a good post-entry pass, which can come from anyone capable of making a solid bounce or lob pass) WHILE being undersized, hard work ethic and pretty much a lack of flash equals Derrick Coleman who was fat, whoop-de-damn-doo lazy, flashy for flash's sake (although brilliantly so), and got by on his ego and physical talent? Me no es agree-o.
David West may have a temper problem with the refs, but that has no bearing on his skills as a basketball player or his effectiveness as a teammate (technical free throw points and the potential for ejection excepted, of course). We're not talking old-school Sheed or Dennis Rodman here. Unless you're predicting that his latest back injury sends him into Derrick Coleman Injury Prone territory. I agree -- and pretty much everyone else here has or will -- that Cristo Pablo Tres does grant him those open jumpers, but that he knocks them down with consistency (Game 6 excepted) and that he has a sound, solid foundation for a post-up game that *works* even at his size (reminds me of a not-poor-but-not-rich-man's Elton Brand) AND that he swatted away a Duncan shot quite nicely (ok, one play does not a superstar make, but still!!!) has convinced me that David West is a quality forward even if not a perennial All-Star.
Cris, I think Rasheed is the next coach for the Piss-tawns. I wonder how many times he'll try to energize his team by getting throweded out ;) I still am surprised that you of all people picked Orlando to advance, though, especially given your faux-Hedo-hate (before you respond, I said "faux" -- I know you don't really HATE him :P), Stanvan's penchant for making the three point play instead of the easy bucket, and Dwight Howard's still limited (but quickly improving) repertoire of post-up moves. Orlando wasn't, isn't and won't be ready for a true finals run for another year -- and that's fine. I think they're on pace as a team, and they just need to grow.
---------------
Matt Graves
Fri, May 16, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Subject: Re: Semifinals!
KB8? Well, if you want to see shots just go up and shaq getting upset. I prefer KB24, much better leader. Take away the Cocaine and Derrick Coleman was the shit too. West can't be who he is without CP3, but CP3 would not be who he is either if West is not hitting those shots all season. Paul had a great rookie year too, but since they hit more shots this year his assists went up tremendously. Plus more highlights. He became even more popular. shit 80% of his assist are to West. If that is riding Paul's wave, then I am a surfer too.
Tyson Chandler would not even score in another team's offense so lets be real here. BUT, David West would be a solid contributor on another team.
Shawn Marion? Does anybody know his avgerage after the trade? He can have some sympathy because, after all, it was Miami.
LB23 is only 23 years dominant. When he reaches 28/29 like Mr. Bryant, we can reflect on this leadership debate when he has a ring or two with no help. Once again: It is easy to lead Lamar, Pau and Fisher instead of Ben, Delonte and Boobie. (I can't believe I called D-Gib Boobie) . King James has a whole lot more on his shoulders than KB24. Both are certified murderers.
Peja and Ray need to switch to ethanol, because their fuel efficiency is null and void.
Manny is the realest baseball player ever, after Jeter. Two different extremes, but great nonetheless.
---------------------------
from Domingo Ramos
to Austin Shau
cc Lots of people
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 1:23 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!
Let me address a few old and newly introduced topics...
1 - Matt, you hit the nail on the head with my Derrick Coleman comparison. For those that remember, DC's greatest years were with Kenny Anderson and Drazen Petrovic...He was a double-double guy; very good player. He'll put numbers up but he's not gonna be the primary reason the team wins.
2 - Orlando bowing out - No team with Jameer Nelson as their starting PG will win a quality playoff series. Book it. He doesn't excel in any area and he's a defensive liability (slightly better than Nash on D). They've got a great base but starting next year we're getting into the "How many of Howard's good years are we wasting?" era. They are literally 1-2 years of maturity and a PG away from contention. Lewis, Hedo, and Howard are a poor man's version of a Big 3. If they could also get an Anderson "Sideshow Bob" Verajao type I'd feel even better about them.
3 - Playoff Coaching (Boston) - Doc Rivers is trying his darndest to tank in the playoffs. Does he know that if you're up by 15 in the 3rd quarter of the game you can still lose? I count at least 3 games in these playoffs where they were up by 10+ in the 3rd and he sits almost all his starters for 7-8 minutes at a time. I don't think he understands that tanking at this point doesn't really help his Draft Lottery chances (see 2007).
4 - Playoff Coaching (Detroit) - Is it me or does Flip look like he's always worried about losing his job? That said, I'm convinced Tayshaun coaches this team. I think I also saw them wearing WWLBD bracelets (What Would Larry Brown Do).
5 - New thought - I was telling my brother that Rasheed and Lamar are the only 2 players I've ever seen that have HOF-caliber natural talent and for some reason don't just dominate every game. You can't guard them and they can guard anybody...makes no sense why they aren't killing everyone in the league.
------------------------------
from Austin Shau
to Domingo Ramos
cc Locos Gringos
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 1:30 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!
Mentality and streaks. I haven't watched a whole buttload of games, but I watched enough to know that [Rasheed Wallace's and Lamar Odom's] penchant for shooting will ultimately lead to bad shooting streaks (as well as good ones). Every time I see a Rasheed box score that says 2-11 I know it's because all he was doing was trying to take fadeaway baseline jumpers and hurl threes at the rim.
Unless [of course], your contention was that "it makes no sense that they don't have the mentality to dominate", in which case I agree. But as for WHY they don't dominate all the time, it's their mentality -- which, again, in and of itself may be what doesn't quite make sense.
------------
from Matthew Graves
to Austin Shau
cc Dalibor Bagaric's Security Team
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 4:18 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!
This is better than SLAM Magazine!
Somebody give Tayshaun a 'TAKE OVER THE TEAM PILL" so I do NOT have to watch "rip" (rather, "I pull") shoot more than Kobe on a bad night. I hate when richard [hamilton] makes his first attempt, because then he will take the next 5 even if the play is not for him. yeah he is in great shape, but [even with] a 4 minute mile you still couldn't guard a cup of water named Deshawn.
What Would Larry do............Larry will hope Iverson wants to move to Charlotte. I can't wait to see that team next year. What would Rick Carlisle do...... He will get Dallas back to the finals and they will lose to Lebron -- then he will get fired and the next coach (the fucking statistician) will win the following year over the Orlando Magic. LOL . Scary like the Bobcats roster. shout out to DA (Derek Anderson) -- way to make that 1.8 Million veteran minimum. You gotta love those Team Jordan advantages.
I began thinking about the Lottery............I have this feeling Pat Riley will have a heart attack because Miami will get the #5 pick instead of Michael Beasley at #uno. The draft will be a straight gamble after the #7 pick.....good old reliable potential. That's when the D-league comes in. what a waste. Hey development league -- let's actually develop somebody and not give owners tax breaks.
Shout out to Mike Taylor, who said F* college, I am gonna enter the D-league draft outta HS, get drafted and work my ass off with a bunch of veterans and get finals MVP. Then David Stern, just to piss you off, I am gonna be a 1st round pick in this year's NBA draft and make 2-6 million dollars. Then I will tell all the future kids like me to do the same thing since we should get paid performance bonuses in college anyway.
Will the rockets ever remain healthy all season?
anybody else not want to see Avery coach ever again? I don't.......Let him coach in Memphis; that way I never have to worry about seeing him on TV. "transition defense" ! How about, clear-out for Josh and don't trade the only person who could stay in front of CP3 just because you don't like him.
I know this: KG needs to do whatever he did in the last game tonight, and let us all pray right now for RAY ALLEN'S BREAK OUT GAME!
moment of silence for Ray..................................................................................................jesus shuttlesworth.........where are you?
--------------
from Cris Eastmond
to Austin Shau
cc Your Face
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 6:45 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!
quick note. for those wondering, i picked orlando to advance to the east finals last JULY after they picked up 'shad lewis (pronouced [as follows]: "shad" rhymes with with "chad" and "lewis" [is pronounced] like the 3rd donald duck nephew [Luey]).
i LOVED that move when it happened. i can't understand why the team never clicked. thus my anger at hedo taking shots. when the playoffs began i was pretty sure orlando wouldn't make the finals, but i was still disheartened because unlike Domingo, i very much believe in jameer nelson. the death of his father truly affected his game for about the first 5 months, but i liked his playoff performance. he doesn't get ref love on D, almost heinrich-esque the way he picks up fouls. but still i have high hopes for him. the 3rd pg after paul/D-ron
------------
from Matthew Graves
to Cris Eastmond
cc My Anus
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 7:01 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!
good point cris. I picked Orlando to make it as far as they did after the great trade. I think they did click, but they are a pretty young team. Nothing but high hopes. I have been a jameer fan since St. Joe's. yeah. Check your old SLAMs of him and his old backcourt-mate that dropped off the face of the earth........I think his name was Marvin....? damn. some one research that shit. They were a great backcourt before Delonte. Hedo was not used to being a 2nd option -- he got it almost towards the end. Future will tell the rest.
Go KG & Lebron...........I WANT DOUBLE OVERTIME TONIGHT! celtics by 9
------------------------
from Austin Shau
to Matthew Graves
cc Scrotal Wartage
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 7:15 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!
My thing with Hedo is this -- I realize that it may go back to my days as a Christie-Webber Kings fan and seeing them pick Hedo instead of Desmond Mason, Q-Rich, Mo Pete, et cetera [and getting PISSED about it]. As he started getting a little burn I saw the value in him, and then in Game 4 against the Lakers he had that great 22 point game complete with hugely clutch 3-pointer to seal a Kings victory (he followed the make by turning around and screaming at the roof with his arms outstretched to his sides, angled down, fists balled). He's come up in less memorable clutch moments [too]. Then when he moved to the Spurs I didn't know what he was really doing; he didn't really stand out so I wasn't keeping tabs.
Watching him on Orlando, coming back to hitting some decently big shots, and then this year where (I hate to go Hollinger on this because stats don't mean everything especially not without context) he was third in the league in 4th quarter points, and he had some big game winning shots (especially the one where Cris txt'ed me on my phone, "Ew, Hedo taking the last shot?") it all points to Hedo being at least a plausible option in the clutch. I don't think the team not clicking is Hedo's fault. I mean, it reminds me of how Pippen was pissed off that Kukoc got the call for the last shot that game. Kukoc may not be a better player than Pippen (lol... "may not"... what an understatement) but I'll be damned if anyone chides a coach for giving him the last shot over Pippen.
Same thing applies here, only I haven't seen Rashard in the clutch that often, so [I'll concede that MAYBE] I'm missing his side of the story.
-----------------------
from Matthew Graves
to Austin Shau
cc Pussy Galore
date Sat, May 17, 2008 at 10:32 AM
subject Re: Semifinals!
Hedo is the best shooter -- so he gets the last shot, unless Dwight or Rashard had a great game. In my book, he will get the last shot.
Just like, [despite how] shitty and non existant Ray Allen has been in the playoffs, he will get the last shot every time on my team. even Cassell.
[Follows is Matt's stream-of-thought play-by-play of the game in his email]
Doc Rivers, what the fuck? 4 minutes to go, and the only offense in the game is KG (who never saw the ball more than 1 time and he shot a fading floater from 5ft. away) and Paul I-flop-with-contact Pierce.
hey Dick Bavetta...........It was out of bounds on Lebron -- not a charge on Pierce. that was worser than this years G'town vs. villanova foul call with 1.3 seconds left. extremely gay officiating.
Lebron is the shit!
If Ray Allen does not show up in Game 7, I will jump on my Kobe vs Lebron Finals campaign. Fuck it! make it a sneaker battle.
--------------------------
from Matthew Graves
to Austin Shau
cc Frank'n'beans
date Mon, May 19, 2008 at 11:26 AM
subject Re: Semifinals!
GAME 7! WHAT A GAME.
Lebron had the city of Boston shook until Paul Pierce's free throw bounced in. Great matchup. #23 vs #34. I loved to see them go at it. Paul proved that Lebron needs to work on his on-the-ball defense. There is no way in Hell, if I am Lebron, that I let Paul explode pass me for numerous trips to the cup. And how many freaking times are you gonna let him hit that hesitation pull up? Sit on that right hand dammit. Ben Wallace: good Defense that was a charge, but you were in Boston. Shout out to P.J Brown.
Has anybody seen Ray Allen's Jumper? he left it in ATL. Doc, you need to utilize Ray better. He should not be a last resort. If Posey can get wide open shots along with E-House, then dammit, Ray can too. Cavs played great Defense on Ray, yeah, but it is easy when you get looked off of.
Can CP3 and Co. do it big this evening? I sure hope so.
I feel refs should be fined for missing obvious calls. grabs, slaps, pulls. I don't think I have seen anybody get fouled as much as lebron in a long time, if ever.
expect a big Bonzi Wells night. yeah I said it. BONZI!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
God deals drugs in Florida.
This didn't make it into Genesis. We got the edited Conservative version.
Read this:
http://www.optimum.net/News/AP/Article?articleId=430685&categoryId=69
The deleted scene of how Adam and Eve really got throwed out probably went something like...
God: "Hey, kid. Come over here for a minute."
Adam: "Yessir."
God: "See this tree over here?"
Adam: "Ayuh." [at this point you probably wonder why Adam is from Maine.]
God: "It's got some shit that'll blow your mind."
Adam: "Really? Wow, let me get some!"
God: "Whoa, whoa. Easy, bro. Can't touch it. Stuff's not free, you know."
Adam: "Oh balls."
...later...
Eve: "...so what do you think eating an apple off of this tree is like?"
Adam: "I don't know. I don't have the cash."
Eve: "Whatever happened to 'first taste for free'?"
Adam: "..."
Eve: "You know what, fuck 'im. *CHOMP*"
[Insert token scene with '70s funk music and psychedelic colors interspersed with scenes of God smacking Adam with a sock filled with oranges screaming, "Where's my money?"]
Let's close our Bible: The Unrated version and look back at the news story. Check out dude's name.
"Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday."
God Lucky Howard. That's the Godliest name (not only is he God, but he's also lucky!) since God Shammgod changed his name back from Shammgod Wells after having changed it to that from his birth-given God Shammgod.
This brings back memories of my sister "jokingly" claiming that she'd name her son Acar -- "A car?" her friends would ask, "Which car?" "No," she'd correct them," A-C-A-R -- Acar" -- or, if she had twins, Hale and Bopp. (Fun fact: There was a girl in one of my college writing courses named "Apar". Close enough.)
To name your child something ridiculous might just be one of the cruelest non-violent things you could do (that's not true but let me hyperbolize). Like naming your child after a month that isn't April, May or June. Can you imagine naming your son after a month? "Hey March! How's it going?" I don't think so.
What about the alleged homoerotic naming of one Richard Gaywood, who had his Xbox Live gamertag banned on account of it being labeled as "offensive" by the Xbox Live community? What about our beloved former House Majority Leader Dick Armey? You know, the one Peter Griffin responded to with, "What's your friend's name, Vagina Coastguard" in that episode of Family Guy?
And then there's Louie CK who theorized about what might happen if he were to name his child, Ladies And Gentlemen. "Ladies And Gentlemen please!!!!!" "Ladies And Gentlemen, would you stop writing on the wall?" And so forth.
This further brings back memories of my Quake II-playing days, when I'd name my characters ridiculous shit like, "My Anus" or "Your Face" and watch in glee as the prompts would come up when people either killed or were killed by my character.
"Jaws was fragged by My Anus."
"Amanster rode Your Face's rocket."
"MrCHUPON killed That Dude's Balls."
"That Dude's Balls ate My Anus's grenade."
Ah, college.
So wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Don't name your kid God, or he might push drugs in Tampa.
Shout out to Long Hair for the link.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Some observations about this Pittsburgh office...
...and related things, such as the hotel room, both remarkable and unremarkable. This is guaranteed to be one of the most boring things you've read in the last four years, seven months and six days. Give or take. *shrug*
* the most expensive lunch I've had from the food court in the building must have been spaghetti and meatballs from the Sbarro's, which ran me $6.39 (I think)
* the cheapest must have been a large soup from Au Bon Pain from the same food court, clocking in at under $4
* a whole bunch of people -- not including contractors / consultants like myself -- clock out at 3:30... of course, they're in at ass o'clock in the morning, too
* the entire place (ok that's an exaggeration) is plastered with "Bring Back the Cup!" signs in hopes of the Pittsburgh Penguins winning the Stanley Cup (hockey for those who don't know). After working in Illinois for the last 15 months and watching the Bulls go from a playoff team to a turd, it's an interesting change of sports pace...
* most offices have a security ID card scanner outside the door leading into the office from the elevator bank, and a button that you have to press in order to exit to the elevator bank. Our button looks like the friggin' "Easy" button from those commercials
* not being able to communicate with the outside world while at the office, via anything other than my firm's webmail, continues to be frustrating. My fingers haven't yet, and probably never will, enjoy sending instant messages through my phone's keypad
* I should be used to this, because I spent a cumulative 28 months in an office with such a bathroom, but yet again the people here are incredibly sloppy with disposing of paper towels in the men's room. Half the time, a few sheets are strewn on the floor underneath the actual basket; more often than not, there are a bunch of sheets just hanging around the rim of the receptacle (thanks to Lebowski I must use that word now)
* in my time here so far, no one's forgotten to flush the toilet, unlike in the last building I worked at. Man that was fuckin' disgusting...
* this is one of those buildings where the men's room has a tall urinal and a short urinal. I haven't seen any men under four feet in this building, but I suspect it's to support those who are vertically challenged. If this is true... why, then, isn't this shorter urinal standard wherever handicap stalls are standard?
* this is one of the only office bathrooms I've been in that has a coat rack. It's warm now and no one's wearing coats so I lie the Gatorade bottle that I've usually just filled at the nearby water fountain across a pair of the hooks
* the color scheme here is mostly dark browns and greens in the halls and open areas, with white walls enclosing the majority of cubicles. Is this to encourage us to stay at our desks, where it's brighter and more cheery? :P Because the halls are damn depressing
* the water fountain is sufficient, but I miss the little "gloop gloop" that water coolers make when you use them
* my hotel is literally across the street from PNC Park, where the Pittsburgh Pirates play baseball. Every day I walk to work (it takes a total of about 12 minutes to walk from my hotel door to my cubicle), I pass by the stadium and then cross a yellow bridge over the river to get to the streets where the office building is. I think the same homeless person sits in the middle of the pedestrian area of the bridge every morning
* I just tried sending e-mail to three distinct individuals with a Hotmail address, including my old one that's I had to re-activate for my Xbox Live account. For some reason, tonight, I'm being told that my IP address is blocked by Hotmail... wtf?
* the hotel where I stayed at previously in Illinois had a lounge with free water bottles for those who accumulated enough hotel points. There is no lounge here and we get a tiny pint bottle each night. I drink A LOT OF WATER. So I've been resorting to boiling tap water in the coffee maker, then chilling it in a sink of cold water. Yeah, it has a burnt coffee aftertaste, but I'll take whatever I can get
* last week, my next-door neighbors in the hotels were singing. Loudly. And very, very poorly. It didn't help that it was one of those dealies where there was a locked door joining the two rooms, as opposed a solid wall, allowing the howling to seep through even more
* the bathtub in my hotel room has this weird plug that you push on one end to lock, and push on the other end to open. In several attempts to lock the drain so that I could fill the tub with bath water, it popped back open of its own volition about 14 times before I finally got it to stay. What the hell ever happened to a plain old fashioned wedge attached to the tub with a chain, because you know they're worried about people stealing the plug?
* they've played this goddamn motherfucking Volkswagen commercial where the drummer chick says "Europeans are crazy" WAY TOO MANY TIMES DURING THE LAST FEW GAMES NBA PLAYOFFS. STOP PLAYING IT. IT'S NOW MORE ANNOYING THAN THOSE REPEATED ZUNE ADS AND THE FKN' HEINEKIN AD WITH PEOPLE PASSING THE BEER ALONG VARIOUS REGIONS.
* the room service here comes from a pub that shares part of the ground floor of this hotel's building. The person who delivered my snack yesterday was most definitely not hotel staff, unless this hotel staff has employees who regularly dress up as bar flies. Just an amusing observation on my part
* that's it. go home
Thursday, May 22, 2008
On Fatigue
I guess the answer to the question I pose at the bottom of this blog is: My body's endurance sucks.
Here's a little preface on how my job works. I work for a consulting firm, meaning that -- in all simplicity -- I'm one of The Bobs from Office Space. No, I don't go in and find out what people do and get them fired literally, but my overall job -- as part of a team -- is to be involved somewhere in the process of going in, finding out what a business needs, how it can improve itself and its processes, develop a plan for that, implement that plan, and support it. However, not everyone stays in a project from beginning to end. A lot of us have experience in concentrated areas -- such as the planning and analysis stage, where we have to gather requirements for a proposed application, et cetera -- or the testing stage, or even the support stage which happens when the application or new system goes live. Now, some people do stay on a project for its entirety, from very beginning to very end -- but I’m not one of them.
So it's not like I stay at one client for three years. For me, it's been between 8 and 15 months at a time. These projects happen everywhere. Depending on your assigned specialty, certain types of clients reside in certain areas. Financial institutions are mainly centered around Wall Street and elsewhere in New York City, or in the tri-state area at least (as well as other metropolitan areas). I don't get assigned to Financial clients, though; instead, I'm in the Products group, which specializes in consumer goods and services (retailers, liquor distributors, market research firms), and health and life sciences (pharmaceuticals, health care). Thus, the projects I've been assigned to have been in South Norwalk, Connecticut; Schaumburg, Illinois; and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That means I do indeed have to travel a lot, and for the most part, Mondays through Thursdays have been spent on-site with Fridays being the magical and relieving day working from the comfort of my native New York. (One exception: For Connecticut, I was close enough to travel there by rail. It was a 2-hour commute each way, but it was worth it to sleep in my own bed every night.)
Now, when you "roll off" of a project -- meaning your job and role on that project is finished -- you go "on the bench," waiting for new roles to pop up. It's like job hunting within a job. You're still employed by the company, but you're not working on anything in particular for a client. So when you're on the bench, your responsibilities are to actively look for other priojects to sign onto, and better yourself through training courses offered by the firm. Most of these can be downloaded right to your laptop. Some of them are in-classroom. Whatever the case may be, you're not just supposed to sit on the beach or on your rooftop garden with a Corona. You're supposed to be putting in a good, honest 40 hours per week, training, adding to your internal resume, and shopping yourself around to projects that might be able to use your skills.
Preface over.
From December of 2006 to the end of March 2008, I'd been going to Schaumburg, IL. This was actually my second stint on this specific project; I had been going there from September of 2004 to December of 2005 prior to that. Then I went to Connecticut before I ended up back in Illinois. The important takeaway here is that before the end of March, I'd spent 28 out of the last 38 months doing the weekly grind to and from O'Hare International Airport -- get my ass up on Monday at 5AM for a 7AM flight, and then catch a Thursday evening flight back to New York that would get delayed almost half the time (resulting in me landing in NYC at 1AM on a few occasions). Finally, on March 24th, they honorably discharged me after extending my role week after week. At that point, I was on the bench.
Now, I'd basically been inactive work-wise since March 24th until May 5th, which is when I was staffed to a new project. I didn't travel to the client site until the next week, May 12th, as the week of May 5th was spent reading up on the project's background and other documentation. Technically, then, I spent seven weeks on the bench. Yeah I was working, but doing training on your laptop out of your bedroom and having the luxury of taking a break for a walk in the park -- as long as you put in eight honest hours -- is a far cry from flying out at ungodly hours and working 10 - 12 hour days in a bustling, chaotic and frankly critical situation.
So what happened during those seven weeks? I started going to the gym regularly again. I learned me some skills. I received less-than-positive news about my Business School application (there's always next year). I reviewed a few games (though I really should have been kept more busy than I was, ahem). I poked a little at my website's design. I hung out with friends more regularly. I threw Rock Band parties. I discovered a weekly Guitar Hero tournament -- the prizes are free shots every time you advance a round -- and met some really fun people. I woke up at nine in the morning, put in my hours, and was out in the sunlight of the late afternoon every day of the week.
After seven weeks of this, I went to Pittsburgh for my first week. I got up at 6AM to catch an 8:30AM flight at Kennedy, which is much better than waking up at 5AM as in months past (that hour makes a difference). After my first day, I had some energy to run a full court basketball game, though I was woefully out of basketball shape at that point. On Tuesday, though, I came into my room not wanting to do anything. ANYTHING. I didn't want to check email. I didn't want to study more for my GMATs. I didn't want to play Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations on my DS (that's the last game in its trilogy and I've been trying to finish it for quite some time). I didn't want to read more about my project. I was too goddamn tired and just wanted to watch the basketball game. Wednesday night after work, I just plum fell asleep before midnight with my DS open and the TV on. I woke up not knowing who won the game (it was the Lakers) and found my DS with its battery entirely drained.
Ok, so that's weird, because I just had seven glorious weeks of not-work and rejuvenation.
This past Tuesday night, my second Tuesday on the job, it happened again. Only this time, it wasn't before midnight -- it was before 10PM. This was during the Celtics-Pistons game. I was lying on the couch and had my laptop open to do work. I only remember drifting in and out, opening my eyes and just barely seeing Kevin Garnett hitting a jumper from 19 feet out, then fading out again. Then in, another KG jumper, then out. Rinse, repeat. I woke up with a drained laptop battery and the post-game press conferences on ESPN.
Why in shit's name am I this tired after almost two months of the most relaxed job in the world? Is seven straight weeks of that really not enough to combat three years flying back and forth / making a 2-hour rail commute? And mind you, I *did* take real family vacations during those years, so it's not like I went straight through without rest.