Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Art of Urinal Usage

Dear members of the male gender, my fellow cohorts in life's pursuit to sit on the couch, get fat and watch football (well, this IS the United States):

I have a few requests. Now, don't be scared. They're nothing Earth-shattering. These should be easy for you to follow. Furthermore, they all involve that thing you base your life principles on -- you know, your dangle. Third leg. One-eyed snake. Whatever.

Today's topic? URINAL USAGE!

- When using the urinal, please ensure that Dangle's eye is looking straight into the center of the porcelain bowl.

- When using the urinal, please ensure that you're not standing more than four feet away from it.

- When using the urinal, please make sure to FACE the urinal.

This is all common sense, right? Right.

THEN WHY THE FUXORS DO I WALK INTO ANY GIVEN MEN'S RESTROOM ONLY TO SEE A FRIENDLY PATCH OF MOISTURE UNDERNEATH THE URINAL? Here's a tip: Bathroom tiles are not alive. They are inanimate, soulless, non-biological objects. That means they don't need watering. Stop spraying your lemonade all over the goddamn floor. They make lower urinals specifically for douchebags like you who can't aim. If you are not blind, handicapped, a small person, a four-year-old or a female, you have absolutely NO excuse whatsoever to not know how to keep your spray in the tray.

Oh, and if you want to feel worse about yourself, watch Step Brothers and fast forward to the scene where a girl uses the urinal. She does it better than you do. Asshole.

And may I close with a Haiku:

Went to the toilet.
Looks like you left gifts for me!
Flush next time, jerk-off.

Thank you very much for your time. Go run into a wall or something.


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