Tuesday, June 24, 2008

God deals drugs in Florida.

This didn't make it into Genesis. We got the edited Conservative version.

Read this:

http://www.optimum.net/News/AP/Article?articleId=430685&categoryId=69

The deleted scene of how Adam and Eve really got throwed out probably went something like...

God: "Hey, kid. Come over here for a minute."
Adam: "Yessir."
God: "See this tree over here?"
Adam: "Ayuh." [at this point you probably wonder why Adam is from Maine.]
God: "It's got some shit that'll blow your mind."
Adam: "Really? Wow, let me get some!"
God: "Whoa, whoa. Easy, bro. Can't touch it. Stuff's not free, you know."
Adam: "Oh balls."

...later...

Eve: "...so what do you think eating an apple off of this tree is like?"
Adam: "I don't know. I don't have the cash."
Eve: "Whatever happened to 'first taste for free'?"
Adam: "..."
Eve: "You know what, fuck 'im. *CHOMP*"

[Insert token scene with '70s funk music and psychedelic colors interspersed with scenes of God smacking Adam with a sock filled with oranges screaming, "Where's my money?"]

Let's close our Bible: The Unrated version and look back at the news story. Check out dude's name.

"Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday."

God Lucky Howard. That's the Godliest name (not only is he God, but he's also lucky!) since God Shammgod changed his name back from Shammgod Wells after having changed it to that from his birth-given God Shammgod.

This brings back memories of my sister "jokingly" claiming that she'd name her son Acar -- "A car?" her friends would ask, "Which car?" "No," she'd correct them," A-C-A-R -- Acar" -- or, if she had twins, Hale and Bopp. (Fun fact: There was a girl in one of my college writing courses named "Apar". Close enough.)

To name your child something ridiculous might just be one of the cruelest non-violent things you could do (that's not true but let me hyperbolize). Like naming your child after a month that isn't April, May or June. Can you imagine naming your son after a month? "Hey March! How's it going?" I don't think so.

What about the alleged homoerotic naming of one Richard Gaywood, who had his Xbox Live gamertag banned on account of it being labeled as "offensive" by the Xbox Live community? What about our beloved former House Majority Leader Dick Armey? You know, the one Peter Griffin responded to with, "What's your friend's name, Vagina Coastguard" in that episode of Family Guy?

And then there's Louie CK who theorized about what might happen if he were to name his child, Ladies And Gentlemen. "Ladies And Gentlemen please!!!!!" "Ladies And Gentlemen, would you stop writing on the wall?" And so forth.

This further brings back memories of my Quake II-playing days, when I'd name my characters ridiculous shit like, "My Anus" or "Your Face" and watch in glee as the prompts would come up when people either killed or were killed by my character.

"Jaws was fragged by My Anus."
"Amanster rode Your Face's rocket."
"MrCHUPON killed That Dude's Balls."
"That Dude's Balls ate My Anus's grenade."

Ah, college.

So wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Don't name your kid God, or he might push drugs in Tampa.

Shout out to Long Hair for the link.

4 comments:

artemis said...

as an impartial observer, i think some brothers should let up on some sisters for that hale bopp thing already. it was over 10 yrs ago. not that i would know or anything. just sayin'.

MrCHUPON said...

It has aged like fine wine.

Sara said...

My little brother once said he was going to name his son "Firewood" after the chore he hoped to pawn off on his offspring...

Also, of course Adam was from Maine. Everyone knows the state's cheezy tourist-attracting slogan is "the way life should be" = Eden. QED. :P

The AnTiPoDe said...

In my days I have never heard of a crazier name than God Shammgod. God, Sham(m), God? Crazy!

So, um... why is Hale Bopp popular? I just looked it up on Wikipedia and other than a mass suicide event and cult related to a comet, I don't see the general idea of joking about it. Actually, I never knew it existed until today...