Friday, July 18, 2008

The Website Is Down.

Web Dude: [playing Halo] C'mon you little bitches, let's go... That's right. Oh snap.
[Skype phone rings]
Web Dude: Ulch, not now! [Halo: "Red team is winning."] Oh, you so suck. Ohhh... c'mon. Ohhh..... FUCK. [Picks up the call] Hello? [Alt-tabs back to Halo]
Chip: Web dude it's Chip in sales, what's up man?
Web Dude: Nothing, I'm working. What's... um. What's going on?
Chip: Hey are you ah, you here in Building 3?
Web Dude: Yeah I'm in Building 3.
Chip: Well why do I have to call an outside number to get to your desk?
Web Dude: Wha. Look uhhh, I don't want to get into an IP Telephony conversation with you right now.
Chip: You pee telephony? Haha. I pee *urine*. Heh heh... he totally fell for it.
Nancy and others giggle.
Web Dude: ...that's a... that's a good one.
Chip: Alright so web dude, we got a problem. The website's down.
Web Dude: ...I'm sorry what??
Chip: The Web Site Is Down. It's a black hole, can't get to anything.
Web Dude: [gets killed in Halo] FUCK.
Chip: Yeah.
Web Dude: Hold on. [alt-tabs out of Halo into web browser, showing, brings up the company website] Looks like it's up to me.
Chip: Wellp... I rebooted my PC and it's still that way.
Web Dude: [alt-tabbing back to Halo] How many times d'you reboot?
Chip: Three man, you always tell me to do three.
Web Dude: Well, uhmmm... hold on. [alt-tabs back to the site] It's up, I mean, I can check to see if Apache's running. [typing commands] Apache is running.
Chip: I don't know what this Patchie is, but ah, either way? I'm still not able to ge-
Web Dude: Oh look, I can telnet to the core, you can get HTML, like, it's running.
Chip: Ok well I'm st- I'm still not able to get what I'm looking for, uh... Nancy said that you guys rebooted last time- I dunno.
Web Dude: Do you want me to reboot... the web server? Even though it's running.
Chip: I'm just saying that's what Nancy said you did last time. Okay?
[long awkward pause]
Web Dude: Well... I can reboot it now? It doesn't make any sense to reboot something that's running-
Chip: Okay well I'm just, I'm just telling you what Nancy said, that y'guys just ah, you know, you guys rebooted last time.
Web Dude: Ummm...
Chip: Y'know I'm not saying anything about YOU guys, you know, I don't, I don't --
Web Dude: Sure. Why not...
Chip: -- I mean, you know, I dunno anything about ah...
Web Dude: ...let's reboot it I mean. It's fun to reboot a web server. I mean that'll take fifteen minutes [alt-tabs back to Halo] so I can get back to what I was d-
Chip: Wait... something just happened. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I - I can't get to the homepage.
Web Dude: Whaddaya mean you can't get to the homepage? I just took it down.
Chip: I just -- I just tried to get to the homepage and I can't get in-
Web Dude: You could get to the homepage before?
Chip: Yeah I was gettin' to the homepage and now I can't get to the homepage.
Web Dude: You told me the website was down. ....gehhh FUCK. So the website WASN'T down.
Chip: Well... eh. Well maybe that's not what I meant okay, uh...
Web Dude: Well it's down *now*.
Chip: Well, what. Whatever it's called. Uh, the world wide web, was dow-
Web Dude: The *internet*????
Chip: It's slow, everything is just slow-
Web Dude: You don't know the difference between the internet and our web site?
Chip: Hey Nancy, is your, is your, is your web working?
Nancy: I told you it wasn-
Chip: Nonono, I know, I know. He rebooted the website.
Nancy: What!?
[incoming call]
Chip: He rebooted it.
Nancy: Waaaaaaaat.
Web Dude: Hold on. [transfers to Line 2] Hello?
Trevor: Uhh yeah, this is Trevor... I work for the city of Arvada, population ten thousand... and I was just looking at our website -- -- and. Ah. I get this error message, page cannot be displayed.
Web Dude: Well it's because the web site's down.
Trevor: Hunhhh?
Web Dude: Oh my god. Look, the sales guys upstairs took down the website so we're waiting for it to come back. [Shooting teammate in the balls in Halo]
Trevor: Whooo?
Web Dude: I guess it was Trevor.
Trevor: And then I tried Arvadaharvestfestival/pumpkinpatch and that wasn't on there and then I tried harvestfestival/beanbagrace and nothing's coming up and I LITERALLY... have the Mayor breathing down my neck right now so we need to get this back up, uh --
Web Dude: Well it should be up by now honestly -- [continues to shoot teammate in the elbow in Halo]
Trevor: They call it On Line. We gotta get this page online.
Web Dude: Uh, alright Trevor, well let me, you know, can I call you back when it's up? [Halo: "Blue team has the lead"]
Trevor: You know what, call me back, at this number... LITERALLY. Have the Mayor. Breathing down my neck.
Web Dude: Mkay. Check.
Trevor: Hunhhh?
Web Dude: See you later. [Hangs up on Trevor, transfers back to Chip] Okay --
Chip: ...down because he rebooted it. I--
Nancy: What an idiot.
Chip: I dunno why he did it -- ahhmmm, say that again?
Web Dude: Listen -- oh. What was your name again? Chip?
Chip: Chip-hhh.
[incoming call]
Chip: I didn't ask for it to go down...
Web Dude: Can you hold on a second? [transfers to Line 2] Hello?
Boss: D'you take down the website?
web Dude:
Boss: Well Nancy says ya did.
Web Dude: Oh I mean. Yeah!
Boss: Well why the hell didja do that???
Web Dude: Well the sales guys... were...
Boss: Didn't you get my email about not taking down the web server?
Web Dude: Uhhmm... nnn... [alt-tabs to Outlook, showing an email: DO NOT REBOOT THE WEB SERVER!!!!!!!!!!!]
Boss: Well I sent it to you.
Web Dude: ... ... ... ... [click, click, click] well... [click]... [removes all traces of the email from Exchange Server] Hold on. Cuz I don't see it.
Boss: Well... ahh, this is weird. I don't see it here. Okay. Well maybe I didn't send it to you.
Web Dude: Well yeah cuz uh seriously, you know, I didn't get it.
Boss: Well the email said don't take it down because it won't come back up without being powered off.
Web Dude: Oh. Crap.
Boss: Yeah. Thanks a lot.
Web Dude: Uhh -- [Boss hangs up] -- I'm sorry? *sigh* Fucking... look. [transfers back to Chip] Chip?
Chip: Yeap.
Web Dude: Look, okwebserversnotcomingupnowbecauseyoumademetakeitdowninthe- in the wrong way.
Chip: Ahh, okay?
Web Dude: I'm gonna have to get Lazlo to power it off. C- ...can you hold on a minute?
Chip: Alright.
[Puts chip on hold, dials Lazlo's cellphone... rings, rings, rings...]
Chip: Fuckin' Lazlo, c'mon.
Lazlo: Hello Derek, you fucking idiot. [loud hiss of servers in the background] What rack is this in?
Web Dude: I'm sorry what?
Lazlo: What rack is the system in?
Web Dude: It's in Rack Five.
Lazlo: [distant, over the din] Five?
Web Dude: Yes.
Lazlo: Rack Five?
Web Dude: Rack Five.
Lazlo: ...told me that you took down the system.
Web Dude: Yes. It was an accident.
Lazlo: What'd he tell me?
Web Dude: Just reboot it.
Lazlo: You need the system rebooted?
Web Dude: Yes.
Lazlo: Which one is it?
Web Dude: It's gray, it's on the, it's like third down.
Lazlo: The one... they- they're all gray.
Web Dude: It's third down. You can see the gray on the bottom.
Lazlo: You mean which... from the top or the bottom?
Web Dude: From the top...
Lazlo: tell me...
Web Dude:'s. Jesus-
Lazlo: You tell me. I can't...
Web Dude: It's gray.
Lazlo: I can't hear anything.
Web Dude: I know -- shut up! It's gray on the bottom!
Lazlo: From the bottom.
Web Dude: It's GRAY on the bottom. It's not in the bottom of the rack? [computer dings]
Lazlo: From the top?
Web Dude: YES!
Lazlo: Ah.
Web Dude: You just powered off the Exchange server!
Lazlo: I'll do the top one now.
Web Dude: Oh my fucking god. [computer dings]
Lazlo: 'Kay, yeah, I did both of them so you should be good.
Web Dude: No!
Lazlo: Mkay, later.
Lazlo: ...idiot...
[click, call ends]
Web Dude: *sigh*... [alt-tabs back to Halo] Wwwwaaaaaaaaaaau[proceeds to fire at teammate incessantly]uauuauuuuuuuggghhghhhhhhhh-
Msg from Halo: ATTENTION. The Server Operator has kicked you from this server.
Web Dude: Aagghh. [transfers to line 1]
Chip: Yeah I dunno, guess he didn't take it down right.
Web Dude: Chip.
Nancy: ...I swear...
Chip: Hey.
Web Dude: Well, ya managed to take the email system down as well.
Chip: R'heally? the email server?
Web Dude: Well it doesn't-
Chip: He just-
Web Dude: -have anything to do with the web server-
Chip: - shut off all our email.
Nancy: That's what he fucking did last time!
Web Dude: Look -- [reboots Halo]
Chip: Ahh, okay.
Web Dude: Lazlo at the data center rebooted it when he was trying to fix the web server that *you* asked me to take down, so...
Chip: How many times?
Web Dude: ............... how many times *what*?
Chip: How many times did he reboot it?
Web Dude: Once.
Chip: Well I think ya need to try a few more times.
Nancy chortles in the background
Web Dude: Lookit-
Chip: Web dude, we're having a quarterly sales call in two minutes, I need to get on the website, or the internet, or whatever, that's why I called you in the first place. Help a brother out.
Web Dude: What's your asset tag, Chip?
Chip: Ahh, the asset tag is 287jpc, and the number 2.
Web Dude: Is that P as in Paul?
Chip: That's P as in Paul.
Web Dude: Mkay. [Remote Desktops into Chip's computer, where an old Windows 95 screen saver is running] Where'd you get this wh...unnhhh... is this your desktop??? the mouse mo-
Chip: WHHOOAAA my mouse just moved!!!!
Web Dude: Okay. Yeah why d-
Chip: Do that again! Oh my god you're moving my mouse...
Web Dude: It's remote desktop. What is your password?
Chip: It's just the letter A.
Web Dude: Just the letter A. Alright. [opens up a screen with a gajilliondy windows open]
Chip: Like Apple. ...are you looking at my desktop right now?
Web Dude: Dude, how many programs do you have running?
Chip: This is so awesome.
Web Dude: You g- you're totally overloading your box. That's probably part of the reason.
Chip: Well I use all these programs... but -- you know I gotta lotta work to do during the day.
Web Dude: Can I... can I close this [closing Explorer window]
Chip: Whoa whoa hey- [Web Dude closes email draft] -nonono!
Web Dude: this? [Web Dude closes IE browser window showing "Utterpants -- sex with Vegetables"]
Chip: Wait wai-
Web Dude: Chip -
Chip: You cannot, no... I need to save this! This is all my work!
Web Dude: Look, you don't need this stuff.
Chip: I've got some research that I'm doing, okay, you-
Web Dude: [closing a game of Hearts] I mean all these things take up memor-
Chip: You can't close all of my windows! Okay!?!?
Web Dude: [closes a game of Solitaire] Closin' that.
Chip: Web dude, web dude, ya gotta slow down-
Web Dude: [comes to a window of AOL before 3.0] Dude, AOL???? Don't use AOL! It's dial-up networking.
Chip: Well how am I going to get to the internet without AOL?
Web Dude: I... It's... it's broadband.
Chip: But I got like 4000 hours for free.
Web Dude: It's -- ughh. We have a corporate OC3 -- it costs like $1000 a month, so don't use AOL. [closes AOL, only to find...] Whoa.
Chip: Can you carry over my hours?
Web Dude: What -- what is *this*??? [mousing over desktop] "Fuk u..."
Chip: It's... my desktop?
Web Dude: What... there're icons, they spell "Fuk u!" and there's a picture of a penis.
Chip: Ahh, Patricia did that when I took over her computer. She wasn't very happy.
Web Dude: Holy crap. long's it been like that?
Chip: Eight or nine years.
Web Dude: Oh my god.
Chip: You know I just got so used to it. I didn't want to change it.
Web Dude: That's fuckin' awesome... hold on. Alright, I'm taking a picture of this, hold on just a sec.
Chip: Ok, just so you know I got a meeting in like five minutes, so whatever we gotta do to get my PC back.
Web Dude: This is going right onto BoingBoing.
Chip: Uh what's BoingBoing?
Web Dude: Here's the thing. This? Is a problem. You can't have people looking at this, okay? Arrange your icons -- [sorts desktop by Name] -- by Name or something...
Chip: Whoa nonono! I can't find anything!
Web Dude: Whaddaya mean? It's alphabetical!
Chip: Aww man. I -- ugh -- I had everything exactly where I knew where it was. I knew th- that th- that our website? Our website? Wasattheverytipofthe penis!
Chip: And now I don't know where anything is! How am I go- no, it's not that one, it's not that one anymore!
Web Dude: Well... ulch...
Chip: was on the right testicle -- I'm not gonna be able to find anything. I gotta meeting in two minutes and I need the icons back the way they were.
Web Dude: Well I can't go back. There's no way to go back. You can't arrange 'em by penis.
Chip: Omigod... I tell ya, every time I've called you tech support people, every fucking time, you guys do something entirely different you know? You don't fix the problem that I call about! You know all I wanted was to get the website back! That's all that, that's all I needed! Can you restore it -- you said you took a picture of it. Restore it.
Web Dude: Well.... yeah, I guess. I mean I can just make that the background for your desktop.
Chip: I don't care what you have to do, whatever you gotta do to get this thing back.
Web Dude: ...honestly that probably won't, won't solve the problem completely but...
Chip: Well if the icons're in the same spot I'll be able to get to them. [Web dude restores penis background; meshing in with the grid of arranged icons, it creates a jumbled mess] ...alright, so this is worse. [Web Dude Selects All icons, drags them completely off the screen, leaving the penis background on display crystal clear] Oh wait-
Web Dude: I mean this is just a picture on the desktop...
Chip: That's great, this is perfect, this is perfect. Hey I gotta get into my meeting, so, you know, I'm, I yeah, this is great.
Web Dude: You good with it? [dragging selection box around, not able to select any actual icons since it's only a background] Because...
Chip: No no, this is, this is fine, I can find everything! I can find everything, this is fine.
Web Dude: Mkay.
Chip: Ok so, I gotta go to the meeting, ahhhhh you know, thanks a lot web dude, I'm outta here!
Web Dude: Mkay.
Chip: Alright, bye.
Web Dude: Jesus. What a fuckin' day. [alt-tabs to Halo, plasma grenades a dude and melee's him out, with the grenade exploding a second after.] Hehehehe...

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