2008 NBA Playoff Monster Thread: The Opening Salvo

From: Shau, Austin
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 11:49 AM
To: Bunch of People
Subject: Semifinals!

Who's advancing out west, and does Cleveland have ANY hope?

-a

p.s. - This be my work email... watch the cussin' and fussin'

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From: Cris Eastmond

Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 12:06 PM

To: The Same Bunch

Subject: Re: Semifinals!

i see new orleans riding home court to a series win, as long as dave west's back isn't more threatening than it was last nite. i see the jazz winning tonite then winning at home ending this annoying kobe lovefest. cleveland has plenty of hope! lebron was one legal four-step layup away from winning in the td bankworth, and boston is d-league at best on the road (an indictment of all of the 3party by the way, one that the media is keeping quiet so far) with chauncey well rested and the game plan laid out after two straight seasons of facing them and knowing that stopping boobie [Gibson] is the key, detroit will win in 7. deron williams win the first of many western pg wars against his draft mate in 6. in revenge to the league and its sheep for years of kings, mavs, and suns ball, we get a 7 game series from two of the best old skool teams duking it out for 7 with the pistons experience giving it the crown.

-Cris

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From: Shau, Austin
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 12:51 PM
To: Cris Eastmond
Cc: The Same Bunch
Subject: RE: Semifinals!


Ah, the "sheep" comment. Sorry, but I don't blame people for wanting to be entertained. I pose another question in addendum to the first: which coach is botching up the most? (By way of Atlanta, peering subtly in Doc Rivers' direction)

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From: Gideon Bryant
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 3:02 PM
To: Shau, Austin
Cc: The Same Bunch
Subject: Re: Semifinals!


i've gotta disagree with cris. i'm sure part of it is attributable to fandom considering i've actually sat down and watched maybe 1 game this entire postseason, but i'm an exhaustive box score examiner.

lakers are taking it. the only time the jazz win is when they shoot over 50% as a team. no way they can do that 2 of the next 3 games. especially with my namesake [Kobe BRYANT] in mvp mode. one more loss will put him at critical health, which would mean a limit break is right around the corner (omnislashing his way to 50 point performances).

boston is taking it as well. even taking into account their road troubles and lebron's tenacity, i can't see them losing a home game with their backs against the wall. detroit worries me because they bore me to tears yet continue to win. i'll just continue to ignore them like i have thus far and hope they go away.

i don't even think new orleans will need 7 games. they'll ride the wave of their latest win all the way to the conference finals, where they will lose to the lakers. i wish i could provide some rhetoric beyond "because i said so", but i think that should suffice for now.

finals will be the stern approved celtics-lakers. boston's road deficiencies will finally do them in here.

and doc is the run-away winner of the botching award. boston is continuously losing to clearly inferior teams. plain and simple. the coach has got to take the downfall on that one.

------------------------------

Domingo's reply (time and date unknown):

1- As a proud subscriber of nba league pass via channelsurfing.net (read free...sidenote: also has PPV and HBO events) I've seen enough d-west to know he's derrick coleman. Why I don't like him? It's easy to be bold when you're an up and comer coattail rider..I'll respect him if he steps to Rasheed or somethin'...at this point I could step to Dirk

2-LeBron is a phenomenal player and on the court he makes great decisions, but as a vocal leader dude has the motivational skills of a paper plate. His sheer greatness elevates his team, but his leadership skills are on par with Paul Pierce. Best leaders out there right now are KB8, CP3 and Duncan. It might be a style preference on my part.

Random: Did you really think Peja could keep this up a whole playoff season?

Random 2: Did you see Manny catch the fly, high five the fan, and double the guy on first? Greatness

----------------------------

Matt's reply (time and date unknown):

This is Fun! Austin great idea by the way. We should start a radio show.

I like all of Domingo's 2 cents except for the D-west & lebron comments.

Don't get it twisted. We would never hear about David West in this part of his career unless CP3 is his teammate -- true. However, D-west is not a fluke by any stretch. He is a product of a great offense. With another decent guard he would be doing the same thing but have a lower FG%.

Lebron is probably the best leader in the league with his makeshift team of "who are these guys" Kobe has way more help and it is way easier to lead lamar and Pau than Ben and Delonte.

I will ride with Boston this year. The west is anybody's game(s) to win. Detroit may need to figure out conference banners don't mean shit, and yes, they will be split up after they lose again in the
conference finals. Sorry Joe D. Time for new blood for tayshaun and Chauncey to work with. Keep maxiell and Stuckey. The rest can go elsewhere.

Keep the party going.

--------------------

From: Cris Eastmond

Sent: Thu 5/15/2008 9:13 PM

To: Domingo Ramos

Cc: Mad People

Subject: Re: Semifinals!

best part of the manny play was the jordan pose he struck to do the high five.

domingo: any words on orlando's demise?

leader: kobe > lebron.

so domingo, if you checked into the eastern conference finals last year, does that mean i can check into a mavs practice and put my finger in dirk's face!!??! awesome!

lastly, any comment on the fact that the pistons have been coaching themselves all playoffs long, and that flip barely gets paid attention to in huddles at this point??

-Cris

---------------------
From: Shau, Austin
Sent: Fri 5/16/2008 8:48 AM
To: Cris Eastmond; Domingo Ramos
Cc: Lots of ppl.
Subject: RE: Semifinals!

David West's pick-and-pop jumper, complete with 17-foot shooting range, basic but effective post play including turnaround jumpers and drop-step jump hooks (note: isolated post-up play DOESN'T necessarily rely on any guard running an offense except for a good post-entry pass, which can come from anyone capable of making a solid bounce or lob pass) WHILE being undersized, hard work ethic and pretty much a lack of flash equals Derrick Coleman who was fat, whoop-de-damn-doo lazy, flashy for flash's sake (although brilliantly so), and got by on his ego and physical talent? Me no es agree-o.

David West may have a temper problem with the refs, but that has no bearing on his skills as a basketball player or his effectiveness as a teammate (technical free throw points and the potential for ejection excepted, of course). We're not talking old-school Sheed or Dennis Rodman here. Unless you're predicting that his latest back injury sends him into Derrick Coleman Injury Prone territory. I agree -- and pretty much everyone else here has or will -- that Cristo Pablo Tres does grant him those open jumpers, but that he knocks them down with consistency (Game 6 excepted) and that he has a sound, solid foundation for a post-up game that *works* even at his size (reminds me of a not-poor-but-not-rich-man's Elton Brand) AND that he swatted away a Duncan shot quite nicely (ok, one play does not a superstar make, but still!!!) has convinced me that David West is a quality forward even if not a perennial All-Star.

Cris, I think Rasheed is the next coach for the Piss-tawns. I wonder how many times he'll try to energize his team by getting throweded out ;) I still am surprised that you of all people picked Orlando to advance, though, especially given your faux-Hedo-hate (before you respond, I said "faux" -- I know you don't really HATE him :P), Stanvan's penchant for making the three point play instead of the easy bucket, and Dwight Howard's still limited (but quickly improving) repertoire of post-up moves. Orlando wasn't, isn't and won't be ready for a true finals run for another year -- and that's fine. I think they're on pace as a team, and they just need to grow.

---------------

Matt Graves
Fri, May 16, 2008 at 12:58 PM
Subject: Re: Semifinals!

KB8? Well, if you want to see shots just go up and shaq getting upset. I prefer KB24, much better leader. Take away the Cocaine and Derrick Coleman was the shit too. West can't be who he is without CP3, but CP3 would not be who he is either if West is not hitting those shots all season. Paul had a great rookie year too, but since they hit more shots this year his assists went up tremendously. Plus more highlights. He became even more popular. shit 80% of his assist are to West. If that is riding Paul's wave, then I am a surfer too.

Tyson Chandler would not even score in another team's offense so lets be real here. BUT, David West would be a solid contributor on another team.

Shawn Marion? Does anybody know his avgerage after the trade? He can have some sympathy because, after all, it was Miami.

LB23 is only 23 years dominant. When he reaches 28/29 like Mr. Bryant, we can reflect on this leadership debate when he has a ring or two with no help. Once again: It is easy to lead Lamar, Pau and Fisher instead of Ben, Delonte and Boobie. (I can't believe I called D-Gib Boobie) . King James has a whole lot more on his shoulders than KB24. Both are certified murderers.

Peja and Ray need to switch to ethanol, because their fuel efficiency is null and void.

Manny is the realest baseball player ever, after Jeter. Two different extremes, but great nonetheless.

---------------------------

from Domingo Ramos

to Austin Shau

cc Lots of people

date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 1:23 PM

subject Re: Semifinals!

Let me address a few old and newly introduced topics...

1 - Matt, you hit the nail on the head with my Derrick Coleman comparison. For those that remember, DC's greatest years were with Kenny Anderson and Drazen Petrovic...He was a double-double guy; very good player. He'll put numbers up but he's not gonna be the primary reason the team wins.

2 - Orlando bowing out - No team with Jameer Nelson as their starting PG will win a quality playoff series. Book it. He doesn't excel in any area and he's a defensive liability (slightly better than Nash on D). They've got a great base but starting next year we're getting into the "How many of Howard's good years are we wasting?" era. They are literally 1-2 years of maturity and a PG away from contention. Lewis, Hedo, and Howard are a poor man's version of a Big 3. If they could also get an Anderson "Sideshow Bob" Verajao type I'd feel even better about them.


3 - Playoff Coaching (Boston) - Doc Rivers is trying his darndest to tank in the playoffs. Does he know that if you're up by 15 in the 3rd quarter of the game you can still lose? I count at least 3 games in these playoffs where they were up by 10+ in the 3rd and he sits almost all his starters for 7-8 minutes at a time. I don't think he understands that tanking at this point doesn't really help his Draft Lottery chances (see 2007).

4 - Playoff Coaching (Detroit) - Is it me or does Flip look like he's always worried about losing his job? That said, I'm convinced Tayshaun coaches this team. I think I also saw them wearing WWLBD bracelets (What Would Larry Brown Do).

5 - New thought - I was telling my brother that Rasheed and Lamar are the only 2 players I've ever seen that have HOF-caliber natural talent and for some reason don't just dominate every game. You can't guard them and they can guard anybody...makes no sense why they aren't killing everyone in the league.

------------------------------

from Austin Shau
to Domingo Ramos
cc Locos Gringos
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 1:30 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!


Mentality and streaks. I haven't watched a whole buttload of games, but I watched enough to know that [Rasheed Wallace's and Lamar Odom's] penchant for shooting will ultimately lead to bad shooting streaks (as well as good ones). Every time I see a Rasheed box score that says 2-11 I know it's because all he was doing was trying to take fadeaway baseline jumpers and hurl threes at the rim.

Unless [of course], your contention was that "it makes no sense that they don't have the mentality to dominate", in which case I agree. But as for WHY they don't dominate all the time, it's their mentality -- which, again, in and of itself may be what doesn't quite make sense.

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from Matthew Graves
to Austin Shau
cc Dalibor Bagaric's Security Team
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 4:18 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!


This is better than SLAM Magazine!

Somebody give Tayshaun a 'TAKE OVER THE TEAM PILL" so I do NOT have to watch "rip" (rather, "I pull") shoot more than Kobe on a bad night. I hate when richard [hamilton] makes his first attempt, because then he will take the next 5 even if the play is not for him. yeah he is in great shape, but [even with] a 4 minute mile you still couldn't guard a cup of water named Deshawn.

What Would Larry do............Larry will hope Iverson wants to move to Charlotte. I can't wait to see that team next year. What would Rick Carlisle do...... He will get Dallas back to the finals and they will lose to Lebron -- then he will get fired and the next coach (the fucking statistician) will win the following year over the Orlando Magic. LOL . Scary like the Bobcats roster. shout out to DA (Derek Anderson) -- way to make that 1.8 Million veteran minimum. You gotta love those Team Jordan advantages.

I began thinking about the Lottery............I have this feeling Pat Riley will have a heart attack because Miami will get the #5 pick instead of Michael Beasley at #uno. The draft will be a straight gamble after the #7 pick.....good old reliable potential. That's when the D-league comes in. what a waste. Hey development league -- let's actually develop somebody and not give owners tax breaks.

Shout out to Mike Taylor, who said F* college, I am gonna enter the D-league draft outta HS, get drafted and work my ass off with a bunch of veterans and get finals MVP. Then David Stern, just to piss you off, I am gonna be a 1st round pick in this year's NBA draft and make 2-6 million dollars. Then I will tell all the future kids like me to do the same thing since we should get paid performance bonuses in college anyway.

Will the rockets ever remain healthy all season?

anybody else not want to see Avery coach ever again? I don't.......Let him coach in Memphis; that way I never have to worry about seeing him on TV. "transition defense" ! How about, clear-out for Josh and don't trade the only person who could stay in front of CP3 just because you don't like him.

I know this: KG needs to do whatever he did in the last game tonight, and let us all pray right now for RAY ALLEN'S BREAK OUT GAME!

moment of silence for Ray..................................................................................................jesus shuttlesworth.........where are you?

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from Cris Eastmond

to Austin Shau

cc Your Face

date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 6:45 PM

subject Re: Semifinals!

quick note. for those wondering, i picked orlando to advance to the east finals last JULY after they picked up 'shad lewis (pronouced [as follows]: "shad" rhymes with with "chad" and "lewis" [is pronounced] like the 3rd donald duck nephew [Luey]).

i LOVED that move when it happened. i can't understand why the team never clicked. thus my anger at hedo taking shots. when the playoffs began i was pretty sure orlando wouldn't make the finals, but i was still disheartened because unlike Domingo, i very much believe in jameer nelson. the death of his father truly affected his game for about the first 5 months, but i liked his playoff performance. he doesn't get ref love on D, almost heinrich-esque the way he picks up fouls. but still i have high hopes for him. the 3rd pg after paul/D-ron

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from Matthew Graves
to Cris Eastmond
cc My Anus
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 7:01 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!

good point cris. I picked Orlando to make it as far as they did after the great trade. I think they did click, but they are a pretty young team. Nothing but high hopes. I have been a jameer fan since St. Joe's. yeah. Check your old SLAMs of him and his old backcourt-mate that dropped off the face of the earth........I think his name was Marvin....? damn. some one research that shit. They were a great backcourt before Delonte. Hedo was not used to being a 2nd option -- he got it almost towards the end. Future will tell the rest.

Go KG & Lebron...........I WANT DOUBLE OVERTIME TONIGHT! celtics by 9

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from Austin Shau
to Matthew Graves
cc Scrotal Wartage
date Fri, May 16, 2008 at 7:15 PM
subject Re: Semifinals!

My thing with Hedo is this -- I realize that it may go back to my days as a Christie-Webber Kings fan and seeing them pick Hedo instead of Desmond Mason, Q-Rich, Mo Pete, et cetera [and getting PISSED about it]. As he started getting a little burn I saw the value in him, and then in Game 4 against the Lakers he had that great 22 point game complete with hugely clutch 3-pointer to seal a Kings victory (he followed the make by turning around and screaming at the roof with his arms outstretched to his sides, angled down, fists balled). He's come up in less memorable clutch moments [too]. Then when he moved to the Spurs I didn't know what he was really doing; he didn't really stand out so I wasn't keeping tabs.

Watching him on Orlando, coming back to hitting some decently big shots, and then this year where (I hate to go Hollinger on this because stats don't mean everything especially not without context) he was third in the league in 4th quarter points, and he had some big game winning shots (especially the one where Cris txt'ed me on my phone, "Ew, Hedo taking the last shot?") it all points to Hedo being at least a plausible option in the clutch. I don't think the team not clicking is Hedo's fault. I mean, it reminds me of how Pippen was pissed off that Kukoc got the call for the last shot that game. Kukoc may not be a better player than Pippen (lol... "may not"... what an understatement) but I'll be damned if anyone chides a coach for giving him the last shot over Pippen.

Same thing applies here, only I haven't seen Rashard in the clutch that often, so [I'll concede that MAYBE] I'm missing his side of the story.

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from Matthew Graves
to Austin Shau
cc Pussy Galore
date Sat, May 17, 2008 at 10:32 AM
subject Re: Semifinals!

Hedo is the best shooter -- so he gets the last shot, unless Dwight or Rashard had a great game. In my book, he will get the last shot.

Just like, [despite how] shitty and non existant Ray Allen has been in the playoffs, he will get the last shot every time on my team. even Cassell.

[Follows is Matt's stream-of-thought play-by-play of the game in his email]

Doc Rivers, what the fuck? 4 minutes to go, and the only offense in the game is KG (who never saw the ball more than 1 time and he shot a fading floater from 5ft. away) and Paul I-flop-with-contact Pierce.

hey Dick Bavetta...........It was out of bounds on Lebron -- not a charge on Pierce. that was worser than this years G'town vs. villanova foul call with 1.3 seconds left. extremely gay officiating.

Lebron is the shit!

If Ray Allen does not show up in Game 7, I will jump on my Kobe vs Lebron Finals campaign. Fuck it! make it a sneaker battle.

--------------------------

from Matthew Graves
to Austin Shau
cc Frank'n'beans
date Mon, May 19, 2008 at 11:26 AM
subject Re: Semifinals!


GAME 7! WHAT A GAME.

Lebron had the city of Boston shook until Paul Pierce's free throw bounced in. Great matchup. #23 vs #34. I loved to see them go at it. Paul proved that Lebron needs to work on his on-the-ball defense. There is no way in Hell, if I am Lebron, that I let Paul explode pass me for numerous trips to the cup. And how many freaking times are you gonna let him hit that hesitation pull up? Sit on that right hand dammit. Ben Wallace: good Defense that was a charge, but you were in Boston. Shout out to P.J Brown.

Has anybody seen Ray Allen's Jumper? he left it in ATL. Doc, you need to utilize Ray better. He should not be a last resort. If Posey can get wide open shots along with E-House, then dammit, Ray can too. Cavs played great Defense on Ray, yeah, but it is easy when you get looked off of.

Can CP3 and Co. do it big this evening? I sure hope so.

I feel refs should be fined for missing obvious calls. grabs, slaps, pulls. I don't think I have seen anybody get fouled as much as lebron in a long time, if ever.

expect a big Bonzi Wells night. yeah I said it. BONZI!

God deals drugs in Florida.

This didn't make it into Genesis. We got the edited Conservative version.

Read this:

http://www.optimum.net/News/AP/Article?articleId=430685&categoryId=69

The deleted scene of how Adam and Eve really got throwed out probably went something like...

God: "Hey, kid. Come over here for a minute."
Adam: "Yessir."
God: "See this tree over here?"
Adam: "Ayuh." [at this point you probably wonder why Adam is from Maine.]
God: "It's got some shit that'll blow your mind."
Adam: "Really? Wow, let me get some!"
God: "Whoa, whoa. Easy, bro. Can't touch it. Stuff's not free, you know."
Adam: "Oh balls."

...later...

Eve: "...so what do you think eating an apple off of this tree is like?"
Adam: "I don't know. I don't have the cash."
Eve: "Whatever happened to 'first taste for free'?"
Adam: "..."
Eve: "You know what, fuck 'im. *CHOMP*"

[Insert token scene with '70s funk music and psychedelic colors interspersed with scenes of God smacking Adam with a sock filled with oranges screaming, "Where's my money?"]

Let's close our Bible: The Unrated version and look back at the news story. Check out dude's name.

"Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday."

God Lucky Howard. That's the Godliest name (not only is he God, but he's also lucky!) since God Shammgod changed his name back from Shammgod Wells after having changed it to that from his birth-given God Shammgod.

This brings back memories of my sister "jokingly" claiming that she'd name her son Acar -- "A car?" her friends would ask, "Which car?" "No," she'd correct them," A-C-A-R -- Acar" -- or, if she had twins, Hale and Bopp. (Fun fact: There was a girl in one of my college writing courses named "Apar". Close enough.)

To name your child something ridiculous might just be one of the cruelest non-violent things you could do (that's not true but let me hyperbolize). Like naming your child after a month that isn't April, May or June. Can you imagine naming your son after a month? "Hey March! How's it going?" I don't think so.

What about the alleged homoerotic naming of one Richard Gaywood, who had his Xbox Live gamertag banned on account of it being labeled as "offensive" by the Xbox Live community? What about our beloved former House Majority Leader Dick Armey? You know, the one Peter Griffin responded to with, "What's your friend's name, Vagina Coastguard" in that episode of Family Guy?

And then there's Louie CK who theorized about what might happen if he were to name his child, Ladies And Gentlemen. "Ladies And Gentlemen please!!!!!" "Ladies And Gentlemen, would you stop writing on the wall?" And so forth.

This further brings back memories of my Quake II-playing days, when I'd name my characters ridiculous shit like, "My Anus" or "Your Face" and watch in glee as the prompts would come up when people either killed or were killed by my character.

"Jaws was fragged by My Anus."
"Amanster rode Your Face's rocket."
"MrCHUPON killed That Dude's Balls."
"That Dude's Balls ate My Anus's grenade."

Ah, college.

So wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Don't name your kid God, or he might push drugs in Tampa.

Shout out to Long Hair for the link.

Some observations about this Pittsburgh office...

...and related things, such as the hotel room, both remarkable and unremarkable. This is guaranteed to be one of the most boring things you've read in the last four years, seven months and six days. Give or take. *shrug*

* the most expensive lunch I've had from the food court in the building must have been spaghetti and meatballs from the Sbarro's, which ran me $6.39 (I think)

* the cheapest must have been a large soup from Au Bon Pain from the same food court, clocking in at under $4

* a whole bunch of people -- not including contractors / consultants like myself -- clock out at 3:30... of course, they're in at ass o'clock in the morning, too

* the entire place (ok that's an exaggeration) is plastered with "Bring Back the Cup!" signs in hopes of the Pittsburgh Penguins winning the Stanley Cup (hockey for those who don't know). After working in Illinois for the last 15 months and watching the Bulls go from a playoff team to a turd, it's an interesting change of sports pace...

* most offices have a security ID card scanner outside the door leading into the office from the elevator bank, and a button that you have to press in order to exit to the elevator bank. Our button looks like the friggin' "Easy" button from those commercials

* not being able to communicate with the outside world while at the office, via anything other than my firm's webmail, continues to be frustrating. My fingers haven't yet, and probably never will, enjoy sending instant messages through my phone's keypad

* I should be used to this, because I spent a cumulative 28 months in an office with such a bathroom, but yet again the people here are incredibly sloppy with disposing of paper towels in the men's room. Half the time, a few sheets are strewn on the floor underneath the actual basket; more often than not, there are a bunch of sheets just hanging around the rim of the receptacle (thanks to Lebowski I must use that word now)

* in my time here so far, no one's forgotten to flush the toilet, unlike in the last building I worked at. Man that was fuckin' disgusting...

* this is one of those buildings where the men's room has a tall urinal and a short urinal. I haven't seen any men under four feet in this building, but I suspect it's to support those who are vertically challenged. If this is true... why, then, isn't this shorter urinal standard wherever handicap stalls are standard?

* this is one of the only office bathrooms I've been in that has a coat rack. It's warm now and no one's wearing coats so I lie the Gatorade bottle that I've usually just filled at the nearby water fountain across a pair of the hooks

* the color scheme here is mostly dark browns and greens in the halls and open areas, with white walls enclosing the majority of cubicles. Is this to encourage us to stay at our desks, where it's brighter and more cheery? :P Because the halls are damn depressing

* the water fountain is sufficient, but I miss the little "gloop gloop" that water coolers make when you use them

* my hotel is literally across the street from PNC Park, where the Pittsburgh Pirates play baseball. Every day I walk to work (it takes a total of about 12 minutes to walk from my hotel door to my cubicle), I pass by the stadium and then cross a yellow bridge over the river to get to the streets where the office building is. I think the same homeless person sits in the middle of the pedestrian area of the bridge every morning

* I just tried sending e-mail to three distinct individuals with a Hotmail address, including my old one that's I had to re-activate for my Xbox Live account. For some reason, tonight, I'm being told that my IP address is blocked by Hotmail... wtf?

* the hotel where I stayed at previously in Illinois had a lounge with free water bottles for those who accumulated enough hotel points. There is no lounge here and we get a tiny pint bottle each night. I drink A LOT OF WATER. So I've been resorting to boiling tap water in the coffee maker, then chilling it in a sink of cold water. Yeah, it has a burnt coffee aftertaste, but I'll take whatever I can get

* last week, my next-door neighbors in the hotels were singing. Loudly. And very, very poorly. It didn't help that it was one of those dealies where there was a locked door joining the two rooms, as opposed a solid wall, allowing the howling to seep through even more

* the bathtub in my hotel room has this weird plug that you push on one end to lock, and push on the other end to open. In several attempts to lock the drain so that I could fill the tub with bath water, it popped back open of its own volition about 14 times before I finally got it to stay. What the hell ever happened to a plain old fashioned wedge attached to the tub with a chain, because you know they're worried about people stealing the plug?

* they've played this goddamn motherfucking Volkswagen commercial where the drummer chick says "Europeans are crazy" WAY TOO MANY TIMES DURING THE LAST FEW GAMES NBA PLAYOFFS. STOP PLAYING IT. IT'S NOW MORE ANNOYING THAN THOSE REPEATED ZUNE ADS AND THE FKN' HEINEKIN AD WITH PEOPLE PASSING THE BEER ALONG VARIOUS REGIONS.

* the room service here comes from a pub that shares part of the ground floor of this hotel's building. The person who delivered my snack yesterday was most definitely not hotel staff, unless this hotel staff has employees who regularly dress up as bar flies. Just an amusing observation on my part

* that's it. go home

On Fatigue

I guess the answer to the question I pose at the bottom of this blog is: My body's endurance sucks.

Here's a little preface on how my job works. I work for a consulting firm, meaning that -- in all simplicity -- I'm one of The Bobs from Office Space. No, I don't go in and find out what people do and get them fired literally, but my overall job -- as part of a team -- is to be involved somewhere in the process of going in, finding out what a business needs, how it can improve itself and its processes, develop a plan for that, implement that plan, and support it. However, not everyone stays in a project from beginning to end. A lot of us have experience in concentrated areas -- such as the planning and analysis stage, where we have to gather requirements for a proposed application, et cetera -- or the testing stage, or even the support stage which happens when the application or new system goes live. Now, some people do stay on a project for its entirety, from very beginning to very end -- but I’m not one of them.

So it's not like I stay at one client for three years. For me, it's been between 8 and 15 months at a time. These projects happen everywhere. Depending on your assigned specialty, certain types of clients reside in certain areas. Financial institutions are mainly centered around Wall Street and elsewhere in New York City, or in the tri-state area at least (as well as other metropolitan areas). I don't get assigned to Financial clients, though; instead, I'm in the Products group, which specializes in consumer goods and services (retailers, liquor distributors, market research firms), and health and life sciences (pharmaceuticals, health care). Thus, the projects I've been assigned to have been in South Norwalk, Connecticut; Schaumburg, Illinois; and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That means I do indeed have to travel a lot, and for the most part, Mondays through Thursdays have been spent on-site with Fridays being the magical and relieving day working from the comfort of my native New York. (One exception: For Connecticut, I was close enough to travel there by rail. It was a 2-hour commute each way, but it was worth it to sleep in my own bed every night.)

Now, when you "roll off" of a project -- meaning your job and role on that project is finished -- you go "on the bench," waiting for new roles to pop up. It's like job hunting within a job. You're still employed by the company, but you're not working on anything in particular for a client. So when you're on the bench, your responsibilities are to actively look for other priojects to sign onto, and better yourself through training courses offered by the firm. Most of these can be downloaded right to your laptop. Some of them are in-classroom. Whatever the case may be, you're not just supposed to sit on the beach or on your rooftop garden with a Corona. You're supposed to be putting in a good, honest 40 hours per week, training, adding to your internal resume, and shopping yourself around to projects that might be able to use your skills.

Preface over.

From December of 2006 to the end of March 2008, I'd been going to Schaumburg, IL. This was actually my second stint on this specific project; I had been going there from September of 2004 to December of 2005 prior to that. Then I went to Connecticut before I ended up back in Illinois. The important takeaway here is that before the end of March, I'd spent 28 out of the last 38 months doing the weekly grind to and from O'Hare International Airport -- get my ass up on Monday at 5AM for a 7AM flight, and then catch a Thursday evening flight back to New York that would get delayed almost half the time (resulting in me landing in NYC at 1AM on a few occasions). Finally, on March 24th, they honorably discharged me after extending my role week after week. At that point, I was on the bench.

Now, I'd basically been inactive work-wise since March 24th until May 5th, which is when I was staffed to a new project. I didn't travel to the client site until the next week, May 12th, as the week of May 5th was spent reading up on the project's background and other documentation. Technically, then, I spent seven weeks on the bench. Yeah I was working, but doing training on your laptop out of your bedroom and having the luxury of taking a break for a walk in the park -- as long as you put in eight honest hours -- is a far cry from flying out at ungodly hours and working 10 - 12 hour days in a bustling, chaotic and frankly critical situation.

So what happened during those seven weeks? I started going to the gym regularly again. I learned me some skills. I received less-than-positive news about my Business School application (there's always next year). I reviewed a few games (though I really should have been kept more busy than I was, ahem). I poked a little at my website's design. I hung out with friends more regularly. I threw Rock Band parties. I discovered a weekly Guitar Hero tournament -- the prizes are free shots every time you advance a round -- and met some really fun people. I woke up at nine in the morning, put in my hours, and was out in the sunlight of the late afternoon every day of the week.

After seven weeks of this, I went to Pittsburgh for my first week. I got up at 6AM to catch an 8:30AM flight at Kennedy, which is much better than waking up at 5AM as in months past (that hour makes a difference). After my first day, I had some energy to run a full court basketball game, though I was woefully out of basketball shape at that point. On Tuesday, though, I came into my room not wanting to do anything. ANYTHING. I didn't want to check email. I didn't want to study more for my GMATs. I didn't want to play Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations on my DS (that's the last game in its trilogy and I've been trying to finish it for quite some time). I didn't want to read more about my project. I was too goddamn tired and just wanted to watch the basketball game. Wednesday night after work, I just plum fell asleep before midnight with my DS open and the TV on. I woke up not knowing who won the game (it was the Lakers) and found my DS with its battery entirely drained.

Ok, so that's weird, because I just had seven glorious weeks of not-work and rejuvenation.

This past Tuesday night, my second Tuesday on the job, it happened again. Only this time, it wasn't before midnight -- it was before 10PM. This was during the Celtics-Pistons game. I was lying on the couch and had my laptop open to do work. I only remember drifting in and out, opening my eyes and just barely seeing Kevin Garnett hitting a jumper from 19 feet out, then fading out again. Then in, another KG jumper, then out. Rinse, repeat. I woke up with a drained laptop battery and the post-game press conferences on ESPN.

Why in shit's name am I this tired after almost two months of the most relaxed job in the world? Is seven straight weeks of that really not enough to combat three years flying back and forth / making a 2-hour rail commute? And mind you, I *did* take real family vacations during those years, so it's not like I went straight through without rest.

Project in Pittsburgh

given a laptop by the client which can't be used to access any personal webmail, unlike my last project

can't connect my own work laptop to their network for any reason

can't put any flash memory cards or USB drives into client laptop to transfer files, unlike my last project

half the stuff around here closes at 6PM

per diem$ are 15% lower per day than my last project

have not yet determined whether or not I can actually get on AOL Instant Messenger

can get on Mobile Instant Messenger, though it fucks up my buddy list when I log on via computer

don't have to get up at 5AM on Monday to catch an early-ass flight, as with my last project

proximity to NYC and lack of time-zone change means my flight on Thursday night lands at 8:30PM in New York, instead of 11PM as with my last project, delays pending

access to an indoor basketball court by the hotel means I can trim some fat off my fat ass without being bored

the office building has a small mall on the first floor and a fucking food court on the second

don't have to walk for 20 minutes just to get to something, say a bar or restaurant or store, outside of the hotel as with my last project

right across the bridge from where the Pittsburgh Pirates play

Is it a wash? We'll see in about 6 months.

To Catch a Karl Malone

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/080507

Read that.

Now, read it again -- specifically the paragraph that begins: "Roger Clemens' alleged seedy indiscretions".

Yeah. That's right. Karl Malone may have given his yogurt to a thirteen year-old girl. I don't know if I should be surprised -- I shudder to think what a man of Michael Jordan, Larry Bird or Magic Johnson's stature (especially that last one -- c'mon, "Magic" "Johnson") would have taken when drunk at a frat party -- but hot damn. That's sick.

Now, it's only reportedly so -- not confirmed. However, if someone would kindly look up the age of Demetrius Bell's mother and subtract his age from hers... well now.

Ew. Just, ew.

Thanks to my boy Matt who found the article.

LeBrohn Starks

LeBron James, meet a little bit of basketball history.

Okay -- to be fair, this was Game 1 of the 2008 Eastern Conference Semi-finals. Starks' own 2-for-18 performance was during Game 7 of the 1994 NBA Finals against the Houston Rockets -- a much more important game than a series opener "feel-'em-out" game.

But still. James' shooting performance -- not to mention several botched layups -- was just as painful to watch. Here we've got a perennial MVP candidate, the so-called King, a man who could soon be averaging a triple-double for the season for many years to come, and we see him make only two baskets in 39 minutes of playing time -- and missing 16.

Did I mention he had 10 turnovers to go along with his 12 points, nine boards and nine dimes? Hell, son coulda had a quadruple-double the shitty way.

In any event, I'm not hopping on the "LeBron sucks" bandwagon. He's a force, and along with young studs like Dwight Howard, Chris Paul and fellow draftmates Dwyane Wade and Carmelo Anthony, he's an icon for the league and will be for years to come. It's just disconcerting to see someone who's really supposed to be that guy -- a killer, a monster, an unstoppable force of nature -- pull such a poor performance out of his jock strap. Anyone notice that while you usually get yours at the foul line when you've got a poor shooting night, LeBronze didn't attempt a single free throw in the second half? Yeah. This is year five, Bronny. Stop taking those shitty three-point attempts.

But hey, on the bright side, he's still only 23. Can you imagine him five or six years from now, if and when he improves his scoring consistency to Kobe-Jordan status? Can you imagine if and when he improves his defense to Kobe-Jordan status?

...well I can't -- not just yet. First I've got to be confident that I won't see 2-for-18 from him very often in the future.

Ok, ok, ok. So there's another bright side: LeBron only needs 141 regular-season points to pass John Starks' all-time 14-year career mark of 10,829. At the rate he's going, it'll take him five games when the 2008-2009 season starts.

Unless he shoots 2-for-18...

Really, LeBron?

This was supposed to be the DeShawn Watch for Game 5, but I'm livid at what I saw yesterday and had to change the title.

Really, King James? Really?

Three after three after three after long jumper after long jumper after three after three.

I'm beginning to think that maybe I was wrong to mock Brendan Haywood for, well, mocking you when you said, "I guess they're trying to hurt LeBron." I'm beginning to think that you really do believe they're trying to hurt you, and as a result, you took your time in Game 5 and threw up bullshit from the field instead of taking the lettuce to the salad bowl and getting and-ones.

Oh, and then, what about that second-to-last possession -- you know, with your team up by one, before Caron Butler shut your guys up -- when you stayed out waaaaay past the top of the three point arc, dribbled down the shot-clock to about ten, then started slowly making a move only to swing the ball to the corner for a missed three-point attempt? Why not drive the ball, try to initiate contact, and if the defense collapses on you to take away the close layin, find someone within close range to bank one home? What's with all this, "Oh, I'm going to go for the big shot from my teammate, that'll show them," bullshit?

As my boy Cris texted me: "Turning point: up 5, LeBron takes horrid 3. Es no bueno! The game 4 assist bolstered the I don't have to take the big shot mentality. I don't mind great assists, but LeBron should be facilitating everything in crunch time."

As my boy Matt texted me: "He is so lax. It made me nauseous."

All of a sudden LeBron turned from a freight train into a pillow feather in this game. All season he's been driving into the lane, taking contact and making defenses protect the basket. When he when he eliminated the Wizards in years past, it was on a game-winning layup on a strong drive. This time, yes, he did have the opportunity -- which he missed -- but it should really not have come down to that. I guess maybe he was extra motivated to take the game back to Washington DC so that he could show up DeShawn on his home floor. Maybe that's gangsta.

Or maybe just completely lame. MVPtoChrisPaulthankyouverymuch.

Not all of your customers are idiots, Gamestop.

So I was walking back home from lunch with my friend Dave today when I passed by a Gamestop. I decided to go inside to do a little window shopping when I realized that I'd been holding onto these gift cards that my other friend Tony gave me not too long ago. I figured, what the hey, let's pick up Super Mario Galaxy. I had my Edge card with me so I figured I'd visit the dark side and buy it used to shave 10% off the price. I'm a miser like that. I'm trying to cut down how much I spend in general, so making gift cards go as long as they can will help tremendously.

After receiving my disc and making my way to the door, I remember to stop and check it for scratches, because with any used disc, you're sort of playing with fire. Sure enough, among the typical nicks and non-threatening scuffs you usually see, there was a 3cm-long circumferential -- officially, tangential -- scratch. If you don't know what a tangential scratch is, it's basically a scratch that curves along in an arc on the circumference of the disc as opposed to one that kinda just juts down in a straight line from the edge to the center.

Now, picture how ANY optical disc drive reads its media: the disc itself spins around and around in a circle, and the laser eye that sits inside the drive stays in one spot and shoots out a laser that hits the surface of the spinning disc and determines what the data is. Sometimes the laser eye will travel up and down the radius of the disc area. The key takeaway is this: if the laser is stationary and making contact with the disc for even a split second, it is basically reading a small curve of data off of the disc. It is reading a small arc of the disc's circumference. Therefore, a scratch that curves around the spiral of the disc like that is much more problematic than a scratch that simply nicks the disc from center to edge (otherwise known as a radial scratch).

Want an explanation? Go here.

Now with that out of the way, I take the disc back to the cashier. I show him the tangential scratch, and ask him politely if I could change the disc. He looks at it in the light for a few good seconds, tilting it as if inspecting it gingerly, then makes his verdict. "It'll be fine." He puts it back in the box.

No. Fuck you. I'm an educated individual. Don't try to make me look like a fool.

"Um, no, those are the worst kinds of scratches because of how it curves around the data."

With a somewhat incredulous look, he says, "I'd understand if it went all the way around the disc, but, nah, I've had lots of scratches on discs before and they work fine."

You know what? I don't give a shit what you've had. I've had lots of scratches too and they've worked fine -- but I don't care. If I'm going to pay money for a used game, I will make sure that I get one in the best condition I can. Everyone has the right to do that, and if management tries to instill a policy that says otherwise, then fuck you three times in the ear, I won't shop there anymore. Anyway.

"I really don't care -- I'd like to get the best disc possible. I don't want to be playing this at home and then come to return it days later, or play this just to come to find out that halfway through the game, that's where the scratch comes in and the game freezes. I've seen this happen with a Dreamcast disc of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 -- it got a similar scratch and never worked again."

"Did you say Dreamcast?" he asks, again incredulous.

"Uh, yeah. So?"

He smiles. "Dreamcast and Wii process their games totally differently."

Again, I must hold my tongue. I don't know how old he is, how long he's had this job, what shit all he knows about engineering and optical media, or if he's been commanded by Gamestop management to not allow any disc swaps unless customers won't go away, but he must think I'm an uneducated slob of a gamer. I don't think telling him he must think I'm an idiot and that he has no idea what he's talking about and has he ever taken any engineering courses and asking if in fact he has even graduated from high school yet would get the job done, so I stay calm and just tell him that's not how it is.

NEWSFLASH: Just because a console is different DOESN'T MEAN that the optical media on which the software is contained is read so significantly differently from each other as to shirk off the basic principles of how OPTICAL DRIVES WORK. YOU ARE A DOUCHEBAG.

"Besides," I continue, "I don't want to be playing this at home and then come to return it days later, or play this just to come to find out that halfway through the game, that's where the scratch comes in and the game freezes."

"Well is there a Gamestop near your house?"

I lie and say flat-out no. (Hear that? I lied, but you did too, so don't get all vagina-sandy about it.) I ask again to please just give me the disc. He turns to his manager and relays the situation, and the manager just points to another used-game case and says, "Get it from there," not giving me the, "So sir, what are you asking for again?" and not sticking up for his employee. Box was empty, so the cashier finally found a copy in the drawer and gave it to me. It was a pristine disc, and I was ultimately happy.

But the bottom line is this: just because you work in a Gamestop, are taller than me, and have a polo shirt tucked in while I am wearing a cap with my un-tucked T-shirt and baggy jeans, doesn't make you even a fraction as smart as me or any other customer. Just because you're a clerk in a videogame store does not make you the ultimate expert on how the physical machines -- which read these games -- actually work. In fact, you probably know as much as the average gaming fan, so don't try to insult my intelligence or anyone else's by making up some completely bullshit bullshit about how a disc is read by a drive. You don't know how it works, my friends and I do know how it works, and a simple customer request that really isn't unreasonable should just be made after legitimate inquiry. Yes -- Dreamcast discs are pitted from the outside in, where traditional discs are pitted from the inside out -- but this has NO bearing on whether or not an optical laser reads the disc in an arc or not.

So, if you were the one in the Gamestop at 33rd Street and Broadway in Manhattan, New York, NY, at approximately 4:19PM on Wednesday, April 30th, who tried to tell the Asian guy in the Kansas City Kings retro hat with the navy blue jacket, blue tee and jeans who was buying Super Mario Galaxy that Dreamcast discs are read in a different manner than Wii discs so as to render tangential scratches as insignificant, fuck you. You don't know shit. Read a little bit about how it works before you try to peddle that steaming pile of crap to another customer who might know a thing or two.

UPDATE: My boy Al just made a very salient point in the comments about how Wii discs are probably even worse off with a tangential scratch than a Dreamcast disc:

You know, Wii would be much more sensitive in reading media than the Dreamcast! As discs continue to squeeze more and more data into those fixed areas, the probability of corruption increases with tangential scratches.

GD-ROMs only held 1 GB of data.
Single layer DVDs hold 4.7GB of data.
Dual layer DVDs (e.g. Smash Bros. Brawl) hold up to 9 GB of data!

This is even more of a reason that rep should have gotten you a cleaner disc from jumpstreet.

Really, Steve Nash?

How about your sloppy turnovers and errant shooting?

Really?

I've always had a love-hate with Steve Nash. I love the things he does well. But I absolutely cannot stand it when he shoots from distance without rebounders under the basket, or drives along the baseline with nowhere else to go and recklessly throws the ball back out and sometimes into the stands. I just hate the image of his floppy hair just splaying about as he makes a boneheaded, clumsy ballhandling move.

There were lots of problems in Game 5, for sure -- Shaq and Amare getting into foul trouble, no one rotating onto Tim Duncan shooting that dead-eye jumper from the top of the key, and Boris Diaw making a REALLY SHITTY pass in the closing minutes during a post-up opportunity where he was going up against Ginobili (you see Kurt Thomas coming over from the weak side -- why not spin baseline and potentially find Shaq? Oh wait, you wanted to pass to the coaching staff, I forgot -- you fucking dipshit), but for me, personally, nothing is more irksome than seeing a supposed former MVP (two-time!) make unfathomably sloppy and unacceptable plays with the ball.

Nevermind that I never thought Nash was MVP-material anyway. I love the guy, but he can't play D worth a dogshit, there's that aforementioned sloppiness, and the only worse candidate to get it in recent years is probably his former teammate Dirk Nowitzki.

There was also some poor officiating to be had -- like when they called the ball out on Shaq after he shot that completely shitty baseline hook in the 4th, when Tim Duncan so obviously deflected it out; when they called Shaq for that bullshit tripping call; but there were some missed calls for the Spurs too, so I'm not going to hold it against the refs.

I didn't care who won this series, as long as it went to 7 games. It was exciting, and Game 1 whetted my appetite for what I thought would be the most competitive series in the first round. Now my fun gets cut short.

So because I'm on the internet and have to blame someone, like everyone online with a blog who thinks he knows more than he actually does, fuck you Steve Nash.

Oh, and for the record, the winner of tonight's crumbly, smearing piece of shit award is Jerry Stackhouse. Don't be mad that you're stuck on a shitty overrated squad that's about to lose its coach and that you're about to get beat by a team that you didn't even know existed before last month. Don't be mad you're not the next Jordan everyone thought you were. Don't be mad that you're not the same excellent 25-5-5 player you were on the Pistons just after the Grant Hill era ended, and likewise don't go and swipe the ball away from Chris Paul during a deadball situation and then try to be all big about it and then get ejected, costing your team two free points and a reliable outside shooter (who coincidentally was having a completely shitty series).